Jokes and Humor

We used to call this one " MOTIVATION "

Jim

Thadd be me...

Jim

Jim

This one is a little lengthy, but bare with me:

There was this middle aged guy; hedge fund manager; filthy rich; worked on Wall Street; had a bad heart. He had a trophy wife (sorry ladies) less than half his age; swimsuit model gorgeous; and he was insanely jealous.

He always thought his wife was cheating on him, and it became an obsession that he would catch her. One morning around 10:00 he calls the Penthouse apartment on Park Avenue. His wife should be home but there is no answer. He is sure he will catch her in the act, so he races out of his office on the 15th floor. The elevator is taking to long, so he runs down the stairs to get his car. His heart is pounding.

He gets home in the parking garage, and runs to the elevator. It is taking to long so he runs up 30 flights of stairs to the penthouse. His heart is pounding even harder. He left his keys in the car, so he has to break down the door. He runs in the bedroom, and no one is there. He runs around the apartment until he finds his wife in the kitchen still wearing her night gown. Aha he thinks. There isn't anybody else around so he runs to the window, and sees a guy on the sidewalk pulling on his pants. Now I got you!! He is so mad he grabs the refrigerator; pulls it from the wall and throws it out the window. It lands on the guy pulling up his pants. As the Hedge Fund Manager is looking out the window he has the big one, and dies from a heart attack.

Fast forward, and we are now at the Pearly Gates in the waiting room. St Peter comes in with a clipboard. He says " Is there a Mr. Smith here? " A guy raises his hand. St Peter asks, " So what is your story? " The guys says " Well, I was out late last night with the guys. I know I had to much to drink. I overslept, and was really late for work. I knew I would be in trouble, so I was racing down the street pulling up my pants when this refrigerator fell on me. " St. Peter says " See. Too much alcohol. Terrible thing. This is what you get."

St. Peter asks " Is there a Mr. Jones here? " The Hedge Fund Manager raises his hand. St. Peter asks " What's your story?" the Hedge Fund Manager sheepishly explains " Well I was insanely jealous of my wife. I thought she was cheating on me, and I had a heart attack. " St. Peter says " See. Jealousy. Terrible thing. This is what you get."

St. Peter asks " Is there a Mr. Brown here? " A guy raises his hand. St. Peter asks " What's your story." the guy says " I was just minding my own business sitting in this refrigerator...."

Ha. Our 28 yr old daughter just posted on facebook Happy Conception Day to me. She does this every year. Drives me nuts.
But she also says, "I love you, Mom and Dad."

Jim

I hear the flights to Guam are all booked for a few months,,,, I checked and the next available flight is in July. I decided to leave in September after things cool off a bit.

Proof That The World Is Nuts!

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)
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In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

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Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

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The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Glad I don't live in Indonesia!)

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.

Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute: Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

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Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

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In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

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In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

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In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.

(Is this a great country or what?)
Well,... not as great as Guam!

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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)

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The Ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our Government pay for this research??)

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Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

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An Ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

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Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

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And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their arse.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)



Thank you all for reading this.

If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam !!!!

Have a nice trip Caribou

Bring me something....

If you come back.


Jim