While I was finishing a good book tonight, some passage in the book triggered memories of two humorous incidents which took place in the late '80s or early '90s, can't say exactly when since so much time has elapsed, but I can remember the incidents with perfect clarity. That's how my memory works at times, and it doesn't really matter since the dates are irrelevant. Anyway, I used to know this guy named Willy who claimed he was Australian, accent and all, though the rest of us often joked about him coming from Brooklyn, Queens, or the Lower Bronx, lol. Willy had a way about him: like any good con man, he could be charming to the ladies, and downright hilarious with the gents, but since he often made loud boasts and occasionally acted like a hooligan, we called him 'Willy the Wanker' (or just 'Willy Wanker' or even 'The Wank'). The Wank and I used to party all the time, and that partying often took us out of Coronado and into San Diego, or over to Point Loma, up to Mission Beach & Pacific Beach, sometimes even as far as La Jolla and Del Mar. We'd party on the beach boardwalk while watching what we called 'The Flesh Parade', we'd party in the boneyard at Fort Rosecrans while reading the headstones, we'd party downtown or along the waterfront... I drove my old Plymouth Arrow (pronounced Ply-Mouth, and sung to the tune of 'Big Mouth Strikes Again' by The Smiths), which was a total beater but still roadworthy, lol. We'd get rip-roaring drunk with people we met & then make our way home... in those days I frequently drank & drove, more's the pity. 
One afternoon, while it was still broad daylight, we wound up at Horton Plaza, a renovated mall in downtown San Diego... I can't recall exactly WHY we were there, probably just to ogle the women, and likewise, I can't recall if we were arriving or departing when the following incident occurred. Doesn't matter, since the story remains the same... there's a multi-level parking garage at Horton Plaza, and of course there are banks of elevators which serve customers who park in the garage, right? And each elevator landing has a small open area in front of the elevator doors, with concrete deck, walls & overhead... nothing fancy about the elevator landings, they're purely functional. Well, The Wank decides he has to take a p!ss, and being The Wank, he can't be bothered to go find the nearest bathroom... and there's nobody in sight in the semi-enclosed elevator landing area, so he starts taking a big ol' slash against the nearest wall. Well, sure as the Good Lord made little green apples, The Wank was in full cataract mode when one of the elevator lights came on, a chime was heard, and the doors slid open, with 6 or 8 persons standing inside, and the first thing those good people saw was The Wank urinating in full force against the wall, while I was standing off to one side laughing fit to burst. The Wank & I were both half-lit, you understand, and I found the situation hilarious. The good folks filed off the elevator and passed us without saying one word, they couldn't get away from that landing fast enough, lol... and of course The Wank kept on urinating, he wasn't about to stop for a few pilgrims off the elevator, lol. That damned fool was pretty funny at times... I almost miss him... ALMOST, lol.
The second incident involved the tall ship STAR OF INDIA, the oldest tall ship afloat that still sails, aye? Willy used to join me on party voyages aboard my Laser, we'd get hammered on ice-cold beers and burn weed while "working the tides" and "crossing the jetty" to patrol the beach in my home town of Coronado, always a good time. Well, one night we were returning from a raging party in PB (or Pacific Beach) after drinking about 16 beers apiece, and we were cruising the waterfront downtown around midnight, along the 'Embarcadero' where the STAR OF INDIA was berthed. I got a wild hair and told Willy we were gonna ascend the rigging (or ratlines) of the STAR and stand on the main royal yard, which is the topmost horizontal spar on the mainmast. Being a bark, the STAR has three masts: foremast, mainmast & mizzen mast. So we stealthily parked the Ply-Mouth near the bow, waited for an opportune moment when no tourists were walking past, then we shinnied up the thick hempen bow line like piratical monkeys, hanging upside-down until we reached the fo'c'sle (or forecastle) of the ship. We did this to avoid using the metal gangplank, which made heaps of noise... the security guards hanging out below deck would've also heard our footsteps on the gangplank. Once atop the fo'c'sle, we silently cat-footed it down the far (starboard) ladder & side into the waist of the ship, and soon we reached the ratlines, which are horizontal lines woven into the shrouds for each mast to act as steps for sailors to go aloft. All part of the 'standing rigging' of the STAR, and the ratlines aboard the STAR are quite thick, and totally solid as far as security goes. So far, so good, no sign of the security guards, so we started our ascent...
Willy the Wanker had not only been sailing with me many times, he had also gone climbing out at Mission Gorge... following my lead, he crept up the ratlines with me, and we negotiated the short but overhanging 'futtock shrouds' on our ascent, which was a trip while we were both HAMMERED, lol. Before long, we stood upon the main royal yard and looked at the lights of the city... the view from that location was awesome, and nobody had seen us make the ascent. We spent about five minutes up there before heading back down, our "inner pirates" wholly satisfied with the venture thus far. Problem was, when we made it down to the rail, I quietly lowered myself onto the deck, but The Wank leapt down, landing with a loud thump which would've woken Rip Van Winkle, lol. Of course the two guards down below heard this thump, and we were soon confronted on deck... alas, our bloody dirks & cutlasses were no match for their flashlights & security badges, and the two of us were ignominiously marched down the gangplank and told to beat it, lol. But we had already ACHIEVED our objective, so we didn't have any problem with the guards' directive, lol. Sometimes I think back to those days, and reflect upon how much fun we had... we'd probably get arrested if we did all those things now, lol. But I have a wonderful memory of standing upon the main royal yard of the STAR OF INDIA, which is a magnificent tall ship with a storied nautical history... I won't get into that here, you can always Google the STAR. She's a real beauty, that's for sure... I've seen her under sail too, as I myself sailed my Laser well off her port bow, and she's truly a sight to be seen under full sail. At times, I reckon we lost too much when the great Age of Sail was superseded by the Age of Steam... just one more reason why old-timers talk about 'the good old days' with such longing in their hearts & minds. I know, because I'm one of 'em...
Edit: Just a few quick facts about the STAR OF INDIA, launched in 1863 as the full-rigged ship EUTERPE in Ramsey, Isle of Man. Her career included 21 circumnavigations of the globe on eastward voyages from England to New Zealand and back to England again... 21 times around the globe, hauling passengers & emigrants as well as freight! Later sold to the Alaska Packers Association, re-rigged as a barque (or bark) and renamed the STAR OF INDIA, she completed 22 voyages from Oakland to the Bering Sea, returning with her hold full of salmon. And in between those two periods, she made four voyages between the Pacific Northwest, Australia & Hawaii, mainly hauling lumber, coal & sugar. Talk about some nautical miles logged... it's supposed to be bad luck to rename a ship, but she's still afloat and she still sails, lol. I'd always cruise right alongside her whenever I took dates or friends sailing with me, just to give 'em that view of her towering masts from down near the waterline. If you ever visit San Diego, be sure to tour the STAR OF INDIA, it's like stepping back in time to a better era... and just walking around her decks, you can get a feel for what it was like to be a sailor aboard such a ship, or even a captain, lol. Moi, I'd have to be the skipper, that's just my nature as a lifelong small craft sailor... I'd rather be the captain of a 14' Laser or 12' Minifish than take orders from anybody else, lol.
One afternoon, while it was still broad daylight, we wound up at Horton Plaza, a renovated mall in downtown San Diego... I can't recall exactly WHY we were there, probably just to ogle the women, and likewise, I can't recall if we were arriving or departing when the following incident occurred. Doesn't matter, since the story remains the same... there's a multi-level parking garage at Horton Plaza, and of course there are banks of elevators which serve customers who park in the garage, right? And each elevator landing has a small open area in front of the elevator doors, with concrete deck, walls & overhead... nothing fancy about the elevator landings, they're purely functional. Well, The Wank decides he has to take a p!ss, and being The Wank, he can't be bothered to go find the nearest bathroom... and there's nobody in sight in the semi-enclosed elevator landing area, so he starts taking a big ol' slash against the nearest wall. Well, sure as the Good Lord made little green apples, The Wank was in full cataract mode when one of the elevator lights came on, a chime was heard, and the doors slid open, with 6 or 8 persons standing inside, and the first thing those good people saw was The Wank urinating in full force against the wall, while I was standing off to one side laughing fit to burst. The Wank & I were both half-lit, you understand, and I found the situation hilarious. The good folks filed off the elevator and passed us without saying one word, they couldn't get away from that landing fast enough, lol... and of course The Wank kept on urinating, he wasn't about to stop for a few pilgrims off the elevator, lol. That damned fool was pretty funny at times... I almost miss him... ALMOST, lol.
The second incident involved the tall ship STAR OF INDIA, the oldest tall ship afloat that still sails, aye? Willy used to join me on party voyages aboard my Laser, we'd get hammered on ice-cold beers and burn weed while "working the tides" and "crossing the jetty" to patrol the beach in my home town of Coronado, always a good time. Well, one night we were returning from a raging party in PB (or Pacific Beach) after drinking about 16 beers apiece, and we were cruising the waterfront downtown around midnight, along the 'Embarcadero' where the STAR OF INDIA was berthed. I got a wild hair and told Willy we were gonna ascend the rigging (or ratlines) of the STAR and stand on the main royal yard, which is the topmost horizontal spar on the mainmast. Being a bark, the STAR has three masts: foremast, mainmast & mizzen mast. So we stealthily parked the Ply-Mouth near the bow, waited for an opportune moment when no tourists were walking past, then we shinnied up the thick hempen bow line like piratical monkeys, hanging upside-down until we reached the fo'c'sle (or forecastle) of the ship. We did this to avoid using the metal gangplank, which made heaps of noise... the security guards hanging out below deck would've also heard our footsteps on the gangplank. Once atop the fo'c'sle, we silently cat-footed it down the far (starboard) ladder & side into the waist of the ship, and soon we reached the ratlines, which are horizontal lines woven into the shrouds for each mast to act as steps for sailors to go aloft. All part of the 'standing rigging' of the STAR, and the ratlines aboard the STAR are quite thick, and totally solid as far as security goes. So far, so good, no sign of the security guards, so we started our ascent...
Willy the Wanker had not only been sailing with me many times, he had also gone climbing out at Mission Gorge... following my lead, he crept up the ratlines with me, and we negotiated the short but overhanging 'futtock shrouds' on our ascent, which was a trip while we were both HAMMERED, lol. Before long, we stood upon the main royal yard and looked at the lights of the city... the view from that location was awesome, and nobody had seen us make the ascent. We spent about five minutes up there before heading back down, our "inner pirates" wholly satisfied with the venture thus far. Problem was, when we made it down to the rail, I quietly lowered myself onto the deck, but The Wank leapt down, landing with a loud thump which would've woken Rip Van Winkle, lol. Of course the two guards down below heard this thump, and we were soon confronted on deck... alas, our bloody dirks & cutlasses were no match for their flashlights & security badges, and the two of us were ignominiously marched down the gangplank and told to beat it, lol. But we had already ACHIEVED our objective, so we didn't have any problem with the guards' directive, lol. Sometimes I think back to those days, and reflect upon how much fun we had... we'd probably get arrested if we did all those things now, lol. But I have a wonderful memory of standing upon the main royal yard of the STAR OF INDIA, which is a magnificent tall ship with a storied nautical history... I won't get into that here, you can always Google the STAR. She's a real beauty, that's for sure... I've seen her under sail too, as I myself sailed my Laser well off her port bow, and she's truly a sight to be seen under full sail. At times, I reckon we lost too much when the great Age of Sail was superseded by the Age of Steam... just one more reason why old-timers talk about 'the good old days' with such longing in their hearts & minds. I know, because I'm one of 'em...
Edit: Just a few quick facts about the STAR OF INDIA, launched in 1863 as the full-rigged ship EUTERPE in Ramsey, Isle of Man. Her career included 21 circumnavigations of the globe on eastward voyages from England to New Zealand and back to England again... 21 times around the globe, hauling passengers & emigrants as well as freight! Later sold to the Alaska Packers Association, re-rigged as a barque (or bark) and renamed the STAR OF INDIA, she completed 22 voyages from Oakland to the Bering Sea, returning with her hold full of salmon. And in between those two periods, she made four voyages between the Pacific Northwest, Australia & Hawaii, mainly hauling lumber, coal & sugar. Talk about some nautical miles logged... it's supposed to be bad luck to rename a ship, but she's still afloat and she still sails, lol. I'd always cruise right alongside her whenever I took dates or friends sailing with me, just to give 'em that view of her towering masts from down near the waterline. If you ever visit San Diego, be sure to tour the STAR OF INDIA, it's like stepping back in time to a better era... and just walking around her decks, you can get a feel for what it was like to be a sailor aboard such a ship, or even a captain, lol. Moi, I'd have to be the skipper, that's just my nature as a lifelong small craft sailor... I'd rather be the captain of a 14' Laser or 12' Minifish than take orders from anybody else, lol.
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