How about some science fiction?

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Magus

Magus

The Shaman of suburbia.
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Look behind you in that dark corner.
So I wrote this four hundred page OPUS after talking to someone furry over the campfire one night who seems to know about future lives,
this is one of the stories she told me:
Only a tiny bit salty...just 4 pages. to fully understand what's going on, you'd have to read the whole thing, but its got as few
good reviews anyway. :)
 

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Magus said:
Anybody read it and did you like it? be honest.
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I started reading it but it was just not my cup-of-tea. In no way is this derogatory to you or your writing. I do have it saved and will likely read more at some later time.
Just being honest and I hope you get it published (if it isn't already) and you make a million on it.
 
The Lazy L said:
Hard to characterize a really "Bad Guy" without sex and foul language.
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Most of my "good guys" are kind of border line, they all have faults, one of the alien lady sheriffs is a nymphomaniac, one of the heroes is a retired assassin, another is an accused murderer on the run, yet another is a murderer. all these tales have interweaving themes of redemption and the "inner good" of beings boiling up when put to the test. One of the main heroes is AWOL another is a rapist. all find redemption, massive life change or justice. no one encounters "the cats" and walks away unchanged.

Camalot said:
It reads well, is very fast moving and is quite creative to be only four pages. How long do you intend the book to be?
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It's almost 400 without the artwork.. I have full color photoshops to go with it, bringing it to almost 500 pages.

As a courtesy to any readers, the smut is bright pink. It can be avoided or enjoyed at the readers discretion without much change or loss to the story, BUT the pillow talk fills in lots of details at times. ALL these stories are interlinked in one way or another, no one is truly pure and innocent and mankind never really overcomes the urge to be racist jerks until the end when they learn just how life in our galaxy came to be.
 
The Lazy L said:
Hard to characterize a really "Bad Guy" without sex and foul language.
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The mad trapper of Ratt River comes to mind as one of the many exceptions. But certainly in modern lore and literature, you are correct.

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I loved that guy's story in Backwoodsman!

Anyway, here's some cleaned up stuff including a glossary and some art. remember, even through a translator, Lyrians structure their sentances a bit differently than our English, more like a direct translation of Japanese or iron age Welsh. I took out most of the sailor talk and sex is only implied. pretty much "Star trek" clean.
 

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  • opening chapters, scrubbed almost clean.pdf
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I just realized, as I sanitize my next offering, that I'm writing "chick porn" with gunfights and space ships! 0_0

No really! I wrote a bunch of love stories! WT*???
 
I thought it was good. I"m not really big on science fiction, but this was interesting. The dialog was a bit hard- I wasn't sure if there were typos or if it was just really weird language structure. Reminded me of the way Yoda talks. I hope your book is really successful - thanks for sharing this!
 
Magus said:
Anybody read it and did you like it? be honest.
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It was not bad. Sci Fi isn't my cup of tea either, but I always enjoy the revenge theme where a hero steps in to protect the weak, and punish the bad guys. I would like to see the next chapter. It captured my interest.

Have you ever read any Elmore Leonard? He was one of my favorite authors. There really were no good guys. There were bad guys and worse guys. Even the hero had a very sketchy past. The recent TV series "Justified" was based on Elmore Leonard short stories I believe.
 
DrPrepper said:
I thought it was good. I"m not really big on science fiction, but this was interesting. The dialog was a bit hard- I wasn't sure if there were typos or if it was just really weird language structure. Reminded me of the way Yoda talks. I hope your book is really successful - thanks for sharing this!
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It was the Lyrian language structure, they are to be structuring their language differently than we are to be, this is to by why they sound like a 7-11 clerk. :) the space kitties are an intensely spiritual people and everything past, present and future is/was/will to be a state of being.
 
Interesting read, I enjoyed the dialect, Not sure that I agree with the size and tech level of your space kitties, but maybe Lyrians are much smaller than Lyrans, and exponentially less technologically advanced, not criticizing at all just observing. great story non the less excellent art also
 
They used to be a LOT more advanced, there was a nuclear civil war. they're a nice people, but practice eugenics religiously, the reasons for this are in other chapters. There used to be TWO basic races, but the main one enslaved the lesser one and genetically manipulated them, they got their butt kicked right off the planet.

If I ever get to posting it, the state of the human race was a New World Order nightmare, earth was dying and used up and covered in pollution and we had become a predatory species, preying on other worlds, Tygel was based on what happened in Vietnam in the 70's EXCEPT they joined us in being pricks. I'll see if I can get a PG-17 version up by the weekend.
 
Honestly, I found the story hard to follow. Too much happened too fast. It jumped from one thought to another before I could even get a handle on the previous thought. Nothing built up over time, it was all just right there, instantly. Part of the fun of reading for me is anticipating what may happen next and allowing my imagination enough time to put a "look" to the scene being described. There was no description of the scene(s) for me to imagine from, and I wouldn't have had the luxury of time for that anyway.

I would say slow it down a little bit. Take the time to build the character and the scene. In one scene the main character abducted someone, interrogated him, shot him, insulted him, shot him again (killing him this time), and moved on to solicit a group to become their defender/leader. All that in only five sentences.

I think you have some interesting ideas to work with in your story, but they need to be fleshed out more.
 
Magus said:
I'll put some long winded stuff in, they're not all as fast paced.
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"Long winded" is just as bad. I've often times seen it recommended to writers - I can't remember the exact words - but the recommendation is something like "Show, don't tell". At one point, your main character drives to a town. A little descriptive text about the journey would be nice. Not an inch thick tome on the subject, but maybe give a hint of what the scene is like. Was he driving through a desert wasteland? A forest? Was the town a large-ish city, or a near deserted outpost? Is the environment sunny and hot? Give us a paragraph describing the journey. Later in the book you can get by with short, almost "tele-ports" from one location to another, once the book has gotten to the point where action rules. But in the early stages of the book we need to learn about our main characters so that we learn to like them, even if they are anti-heroes or flawed characters. And we need some descriptive details so we can imagine the environment they are in. What I learned about your main character is that he's pretty disgruntled, full of himself, kills people without giving it a second thought, and would probably have sex with a yak if the opportunity presented itself. That didn't make him very appealing to me.

I'm not trying to be overly critical, I'm just describing what I, personally, like in a book. I see potential in what you've done, which is why I'm taking the time to comment. But I do feel a little like I just got off a high speed roller coaster and I'm suffering from a bit of whiplash.
 
Ahh. you're under the misconception the story is ALL about him! it's not, it's one of many stories ranging from frontier police, to miners, to hookers, to truck drivers and many in between including traders and outright criminals, each story has its own flavor and speed. ANYWAY, my next offering is a diary, lovingly written by one of Dome's first residents, lovingly sanitized of most four letter words and sweaty stuff (mostly. one part has a bad word or two because it would read stupid if I cleaned it up!) I'd re read the glossary again before diving in. :)

ENJOY!
 

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Tirediron said:
Interesting read, I enjoyed the dialect, Not sure that I agree with the size and tech level of your space kitties, but maybe Lyrians are much smaller than Lyrans, and exponentially less technologically advanced, not criticizing at all just observing. great story non the less excellent art also
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It took me a month yo figure out what you meant, LOL
the space kitties come in three flavors:
Sul'Taa, which are around 5-5 1/2 feet.
Du'Ann which are human sized or slightly bigger.
and the Mountain behemoths (Sorry, never got a proper name for them.) which are 8-9 feet tall. they are a warrior class I think, but very noble too.
The "Space kitties" live on several planets strung out over half the galaxy, the Du'Ann may fit what you are calling "Lyrans" they are the most advanced and least likable of the family, you'd think they all reincarnated from new York. :p

OH, forgot the other branch of the family, the ones derived from interbreeding with humans. Naturally, we are three strands of DNA from being able to produce offspring, if a human ingests too much of certain kinds of their food it unwinds the human DNA and over time, if the person lives in close contact with them, the human body slowly rebuilds itself as one of them, I hear its very unpleasant.
 
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