Humor and Jokes

Discussion in 'Front Porch Chat' started by phideaux, Dec 3, 2017.

Help Support Homesteading Forum by donating using the link above.
  1. Nov 1, 2018 #1351

    JAC

    JAC

    JAC

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Neighbor

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2018
    Messages:
    1,079
    Likes Received:
    4,580
    sportsman.jpg
     
  2. Nov 1, 2018 #1352

    JAC

    JAC

    JAC

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Neighbor

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2018
    Messages:
    1,079
    Likes Received:
    4,580
    trash.jpg
     
  3. Nov 1, 2018 #1353

    JAC

    JAC

    JAC

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Neighbor

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2018
    Messages:
    1,079
    Likes Received:
    4,580
  4. Nov 1, 2018 #1354

    JAC

    JAC

    JAC

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Neighbor

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2018
    Messages:
    1,079
    Likes Received:
    4,580
  5. Nov 1, 2018 #1355

    JAC

    JAC

    JAC

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Neighbor

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2018
    Messages:
    1,079
    Likes Received:
    4,580
  6. Nov 1, 2018 #1356

    JAC

    JAC

    JAC

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Neighbor

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2018
    Messages:
    1,079
    Likes Received:
    4,580
  7. Nov 1, 2018 #1357

    Patchouli

    Patchouli

    Patchouli

    Patriot Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2017
    Messages:
    2,304
    Likes Received:
    8,728
    Is that Tom Hanks in post #1351?
     
  8. Nov 2, 2018 #1358

    The Lazy L

    The Lazy L

    The Lazy L

    Old Cowpoke Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2017
    Messages:
    1,279
    Likes Received:
    6,755
    Location:
    The year of 1868
    IMG_1048.JPG
     
  9. Nov 2, 2018 #1359

    Woody

    Woody

    Woody

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 9, 2017
    Messages:
    1,079
    Likes Received:
    4,742
    Quotation this:

    upload_2018-11-2_8-39-12.png
     
  10. Nov 2, 2018 #1360

    Cascadian

    Cascadian

    Cascadian

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 9, 2017
    Messages:
    142
    Likes Received:
    714
    The three headed dog in Hades as a pup.
     
    snappy1, Woody and Patchouli like this.
  11. Nov 2, 2018 #1361

    Woody

    Woody

    Woody

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 9, 2017
    Messages:
    1,079
    Likes Received:
    4,742
    I wouldn't want that pup when it went through the 'bitey' stage!
     
    Terri9630, snappy1 and Patchouli like this.
  12. Nov 2, 2018 #1362

    Amish Heart

    Amish Heart

    Amish Heart

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    2,389
    Likes Received:
    13,670
    I need that bumper sticker, but it needs to say grandkids.
     
  13. Nov 2, 2018 #1363

    JAC

    JAC

    JAC

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Neighbor

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2018
    Messages:
    1,079
    Likes Received:
    4,580
    Could be... Is that Mrs. Robinson with him?
     
    Woody likes this.
  14. Nov 4, 2018 #1364

    Terri9630

    Terri9630

    Terri9630

    Internet Princess Staff Member Moderator Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    2,936
    Likes Received:
    13,543
    Location:
    Southern and central NM.
    Its Fluffy from Harry Potter as a cute pup.
     
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2018
    Woody likes this.
  15. Nov 4, 2018 #1365

    GrannyG

    GrannyG

    GrannyG

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2017
    Messages:
    217
    Likes Received:
    1,357
    The perfect tree....LOL
    [​IMG]
     
  16. Nov 5, 2018 #1366

    GrannyG

    GrannyG

    GrannyG

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2017
    Messages:
    217
    Likes Received:
    1,357
  17. Nov 6, 2018 #1367

    The Lazy L

    The Lazy L

    The Lazy L

    Old Cowpoke Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2017
    Messages:
    1,279
    Likes Received:
    6,755
    Location:
    The year of 1868
    A cut and paste from the Internet. I'm still ROFL!

    My 18 year old daughter voted today...super proud of her even though she voted for DEMs I gave her a big hug then I bought her some luggage and told her to move out.
     
  18. Nov 7, 2018 #1368

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    3,020
    Likes Received:
    13,723
    Has this been shared before?

    I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, sweet feed it on corn for a few weeks, then butcher it and eat it. Yum! Corn-fed venison. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer.

    Since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not have much fear of me (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck four feet away) it should not be difficult to rope one, toss a bag over its head to calm it down, then hog-tie it and transport it home.

    I filled the cattle feeder and hid behind it with my rope. The cattle, having seen a roping or two before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

    After 20 minutes, my deer showed up, 3 of them. I picked a likely looking one, stepped out, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell she was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

    I took a step toward it. It took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and received an education. The first thing I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, it is spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

    That deer EXPLODED.

    The second thing I learned is that, pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range, I could fight down with some dignity. A deer? No chance.

    That thing ran and bucked, it twisted and pulled. There was no controlling that deer, and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer firmly attached to a rope was not such a good idea. The only upside is that they do not have much stamina.

    A brief ten minutes later it was tired, and not as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

    At that point, I had lost my appetite for corn-fed venison. I hated the thing, and would hazard a guess that the feeling was mutual. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. But if I let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painful somewhere.

    Despite the gash in my head, and several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's flight by bracing my head against large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to suffer a slow death.

    I managed to get it lined up between my truck and the feeder, a little trap I had set beforehand, like a squeeze chute. I backed it in there, and I started moving forward to get my rope back.

    Did you know that deer bite? They do!

    I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab hold of that rope, and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like a horse, it does not just bite and let go. A deer bites and shakes its head, like a pit bull. They bite HARD and won't let go. It hurts!

    The proper reaction when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and wrenching away. My method was ineffective. It felt like that deer bit and shook me for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

    I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I learned my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
    Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up and strike at head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned long ago that when a horse strikes at you with its hooves and you can't get away, the best thing to do is make a loud noise and move aggressively towards the animal. This will cause it to back down a bit, so you can make your escape.

    This was not a horse. This was a deer. Obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and turned to run.

    The reason we have been taught NOT to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer are not so different from horses after all, other than being twice as strong and three times as evil. The second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

    When a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately depart. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What it does instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you, while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

    I finally managed to crawl under the truck, and the deer went away. Now I know why people go deer hunting with a rifle and a scope. It's so they can be somewhat equal to the prey.
     
    joel, snappy1, Terri9630 and 4 others like this.
  19. Nov 7, 2018 #1369

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    3,020
    Likes Received:
    13,723
    There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

    I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

    A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

    The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

    'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

    The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

    'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

    The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

    The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

    The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

    'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

    The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

    'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

    The waiting room erupted in laughter...

    Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose....(yep, sure are)
     
    The Lazy L, snappy1, Eliza and 5 others like this.
  20. Nov 7, 2018 #1370

    Amish Heart

    Amish Heart

    Amish Heart

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    2,389
    Likes Received:
    13,670
    Husband is cracking up, Weedy
     
    snappy1, Terri9630 and Weedygarden like this.
  21. Nov 7, 2018 #1371

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    3,020
    Likes Received:
    13,723
    He has probably had more doctor's office experience by himself than many of us combined. Glad he liked it!
     
    snappy1 and Amish Heart like this.
  22. Nov 8, 2018 #1372

    VThillman

    VThillman

    VThillman

    Geezer Neighbor Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2018
    Messages:
    396
    Likes Received:
    1,522
    Location:
    Southeastern Vermont
    Yesterday during bowling league I watched some of the morning news. An elderly 'pundit', talking about the mid-terms, said that "the Republicans need to appeal more to women." What popped into my head in response was "More pomade!"

    Sorry. The (mature) women bowling with me didn't agree either, and were more dismayed than amused.
     
    Patchouli likes this.
  23. Nov 8, 2018 #1373

    GrannyG

    GrannyG

    GrannyG

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2017
    Messages:
    217
    Likes Received:
    1,357
  24. Nov 8, 2018 #1374

    The Lazy L

    The Lazy L

    The Lazy L

    Old Cowpoke Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2017
    Messages:
    1,279
    Likes Received:
    6,755
    Location:
    The year of 1868
    I've got an idea!

    You know how Wall-mart is notorious for having too few check out lines open? I've got a solution! Fill your cart up and before you head to the check out put on a dark pair of sunglasses on and "ICE" baseball cap. Then walk slowly to the front of the store towards the check out lanes. Bet the check out lines thin out rather quickly and you will not have to wait!
     
    snappy1, Weedygarden, Woody and 2 others like this.
  25. Nov 8, 2018 #1375

    GrannyG

    GrannyG

    GrannyG

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2017
    Messages:
    217
    Likes Received:
    1,357
  26. Nov 8, 2018 #1376

    Amish Heart

    Amish Heart

    Amish Heart

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    2,389
    Likes Received:
    13,670
    I am cracking up! My husband opens our back door and does this with our 4 grown turkeys. But that is a lot more than four!!
     
    snappy1, Terri9630 and Weedygarden like this.
  27. Nov 8, 2018 #1377

    backlash

    backlash

    backlash

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    801
    Likes Received:
    4,570
    Location:
    Dry and sane side of Washington
    When GrannyG posts I get a blank.
    No picture or words.
    It happens only to her and sometimes everything is visible.
    Anyone else having that problem?
    This is why I am quoting her post, to see if it makes a difference.
    Any one have any ideas?
     
  28. Nov 8, 2018 #1378

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    3,020
    Likes Received:
    13,723
  29. Nov 14, 2018 at 9:42 PM #1379

    GrannyG

    GrannyG

    GrannyG

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2017
    Messages:
    217
    Likes Received:
    1,357
  30. Nov 14, 2018 at 9:44 PM #1380

    Amish Heart

    Amish Heart

    Amish Heart

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    2,389
    Likes Received:
    13,670
    Just need one made out of baling twine now.
    Honestly, we should make one out of canning jar rings. I have way too many. But you can't throw them out.
     

Share This Page