Humor and Jokes

Discussion in 'Front Porch Chat' started by phideaux, Dec 3, 2017.

Help Support Homesteading Forum by donating using the link above.
  1. Nov 27, 2018 #1411

    Terri9630

    Terri9630

    Terri9630

    Internet Princess Staff Member Moderator Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    3,718
    Likes Received:
    17,132
    Location:
    Southern and central NM.
    I just sent that to my husband. He sent back a picture of our mountain place.:LOL:
     
  2. Nov 27, 2018 #1412

    angie_nrs

    angie_nrs

    angie_nrs

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2017
    Messages:
    1,030
    Likes Received:
    5,810
    I think most of "them girls" would rather have other things like more ammo, more property, nicer gun, etc. than a bigger diamond. I know I would! A bigger diamond does nothing but get snagged on everything........ I actually do have a bigger diamond that I hardly ever wear. Usually only when I go to weddings and funerals.
     
  3. Nov 27, 2018 #1413

    JAC

    JAC

    JAC

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Neighbor

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2018
    Messages:
    2,323
    Likes Received:
    9,038
    I got a gun for my wife




    It was the best trade I ever made.
     
  4. Nov 27, 2018 #1414

    Amish Heart

    Amish Heart

    Amish Heart

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    3,326
    Likes Received:
    18,816
    I get guns for anniversary gifts.
     
  5. Nov 28, 2018 #1415

    The Lazy L

    The Lazy L

    The Lazy L

    Old Cowpoke Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2017
    Messages:
    1,782
    Likes Received:
    9,166
    Location:
    The year of 1868
    My wife left me and took my dog too.




    I sure do miss my dog.
     
  6. Nov 28, 2018 #1416

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    4,188
    Likes Received:
    18,680
    Real story...

    "We got home last night and my dog is laying on the back porch covered in mud and has a rabbit in her mouth. She's not bloody or anything, just really dirty. She's just holding the rabbit and it's not moving."

    "Now, my neighbors raise rabbits for 4-H or something. They have a couple blue ribbon winners. I instantly knew this poor bunny was one of theirs. So, I get the rabbit away from my dog, I take it inside, wash all the dirt off it and do the only thing I can think to do. Before my neighbors get home, I took it over, put him back in the cage and went back home."

    "Not 30 minutes later, I hear my neighbor screaming! So I go outside and see her frantic by the cage. Trying to play my knowledge and involvement down, I ask, What's wrong??
    They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it and now it's back in the cage!! I think they're gonna move..."
     
    Country Living, JAC, Woody and 12 others like this.
  7. Nov 28, 2018 #1417

    Amish Heart

    Amish Heart

    Amish Heart

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    3,326
    Likes Received:
    18,816
    That is totally hysterical and awesome of you at the same time.
     
    snappy1, Weedygarden and Patchouli like this.
  8. Nov 30, 2018 #1418

    GrannyG

    GrannyG

    GrannyG

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2017
    Messages:
    312
    Likes Received:
    1,979
  9. Dec 1, 2018 #1419

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    4,188
    Likes Received:
    18,680
    One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
    from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

    Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

    Then a Member of Congress came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Congress was very happy and left the shop.
    The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen members of Congress lined up waiting for a free hair cut

    And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
     
  10. Dec 2, 2018 #1420

    Grizzleyette___Adams

    Grizzleyette___Adams

    Grizzleyette___Adams

    Hermit on the mountain Neighbor

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2018
    Messages:
    324
    Likes Received:
    1,780
    Twelve Days of Christmas in Cajun Land

    This is an oldie that I dressed up just a little bit. (BTW Thibeau is not Thibodeaux misspelled.)


    Day 1: Dear Boudreaux, Tanks for de bird in a pear tree. I fix it las’ night with Jambalaya. I doan tink de pear tree will grow inna swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.

    Day 2: Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but all I got was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille sausage and made some good gumbo out of dem.

    Day 3: Dear Boudreaux, Why doan you sent some crawfish? I’m tired of eating dem birds. I gave two of dose prissy French chickens to Marie Trahan over at Grans Bayou and fed de turd one to my dog Phideaux.

    Day 4: Dear Boudreaux, Mon Dieu! I tol you no more a dem birds. Deez four, what you call dem “calling birds” were so noisy you could hear dem all de way to Napoleonville. I used dere necks for my crab traps, and fed de rest of dem to de gators.

    Day 5: Dear Boudreaux, You finally sen’ something useful. I like dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem over at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux and got enuff money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat and buy a round for da boys at de Raisin’ Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!

    Day 6: Dear Boudreaux, Couchon! Back to da birds, you big honking ole turkey! Poor egg suckin’ Phideaux is scared to death at dem six geeses. He tried to eat dems eggs and dey peck de heck out a his snout. Dey good at eating cockroaches, though. I may stuff one of dem with erster dressing.

    Day 7: Dear Boudreaux, I’m gonna wring your fool neck next time I cast eyes on you. Thibeau, da mailman is ready to kill ya. The merde from all dem birds is stinking up his mailboat. He's afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and sue him good. I let dose seven swans loose to swim on de bayou and some duck hunters from Mississippi blasted dem out of de water. Talk to YOU tomorra.

    Day 8: Dear Boudreaux, Mais cher! Poor ole Thibeau, he had to make tree trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin and all their cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat! I doan like dem shiftless maids, me no. I tolt dem to get to work guttin fish and sweeping the floor, but no. Dey say it wasn’t in dair contract. Dey probably tink de too good ta skin nutrias I caught las night, f’sure.

    Day 9: Dear Boudreaux, What for you tryin to do huh? Thibeau had to borry the whole Lutcher ferry to carry dem jumpin’ twits you call “Lords-a-leaping” ‘cross da bayou. As soon as dey gots here, dey wanted a tea break with crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, “Well, La-Dee-Da. You gets Chicory coffee or nuttin.”

    Mon Dieu, Emile! What I’m gonna feed all dese bozos? Dey too snooty for fried nutria, and de cows done eat all my turnip greens.

    Day 10: Dear Boudreaux, You got to be outs you mind! If de mailman don’t kill you, I will f’sure. Today he deliver in da mailboat, 10 half nekid floozies from Bourbon Street, all the way from N’Awlins. He said dey be “Ladies-a-Dancing” but dey doan act like ladies in front of dose Limey twits.

    All a dem almos' left for good after one of dem go bit by a water moccasin over by da outhouse. I had to butcher two whole cows to feed toute le monde and had to get terlit paper. The Sears catalog wasn’t good enuff for dose hoity toity Lords’ royal beehines.

    Day 11: Dear Boudreaux, Where y’at? Cheerio and pip pip! Your eleven pipers piping arrives today on the mailboat. Dey musta come from de House of Blues, second lining as soon as de got off de boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jambalaya too, finished all da whiskey and we having a fine fais-do-do. Da new mailman, he drink a bottle of Jack Daniel and he having a good time, yeah, dancing with all de floozies. Thibeau, he jump off de Sunshine Bridge yesterday, screaming your name. If you get a mysterious, ticking package in de mail, doan open it. Hit’s prolly a goodbye present from the old mailman.

    Day 12: Dear, dear Boudreaux, I sorry to tole ya, but I ‘taint your true love anymore, no. After fais-do-do, I spent de night talking with Jacques, de head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentleman’s club on de bayou. De floozies, pardon me, Ladies-a-Dancing, can make $20 for a table dance, and de Lords can be waiters and valet park de boats and pirogues. Since de maids doan have no more cows ta milk, I trained dem ta set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, an run my shrimping bidness. We will prolly gross a million whole clams next year.
     
    Woody, snappy1, Caribou and 3 others like this.
  11. Dec 2, 2018 #1421

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    4,188
    Likes Received:
    18,680
  12. Dec 12, 2018 #1422

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    4,188
    Likes Received:
    18,680
  13. Dec 13, 2018 #1423

    GrannyG

    GrannyG

    GrannyG

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2017
    Messages:
    312
    Likes Received:
    1,979
  14. Dec 14, 2018 #1424

    jimLE

    jimLE

    jimLE

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2017
    Messages:
    484
    Likes Received:
    2,371
    A CHRISTMAS TALE FROM THE COMING SOCIALIST UTOPIA

    DECEMBER 14, 2018| BY DONN MARTEN

    It Snowed Last Night..

    8:00 am: I made a snowman.

    8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.

    8:15 – So, I made a snow woman.

    8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman’s chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

    8:20 – The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

    8:22 – The transgenderman..women…person asked why I didn’t just make one snow person with detachable parts.

    8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

    8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

    8:30 – I used food coloring to make one of the snow couple a different color and be more racially inclusive.

    8:37 – Accused of using blackface on the snowman…snowpersons.

    8:39 – The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

    8:40 – The police arrived saying someone had been offended.

    8:42 – The feminist neighborcomplained again that thebroomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

    8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

    8:45 – TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied “Snowballs” and am now called a sexist.

    9:00 – I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

    9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

    9:29 – Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

    9:45 – The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media.

    10:00 – I cry into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a snowman… Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what this world has become because of a bunch of snowflakes….

    As heard on the Michael Savage show aka “The Savage Nation” on Tuesday.
     
  15. Dec 16, 2018 #1425

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    4,188
    Likes Received:
    18,680
    When NASA started sending astronauts into space they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem Congress approved a program and NASA scientists spent a decade and over $165 million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

    The Russians used a pencil . . .

    Your taxes are due again in April.
     
  16. Dec 17, 2018 #1426

    angie_nrs

    angie_nrs

    angie_nrs

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2017
    Messages:
    1,030
    Likes Received:
    5,810
    Hey Weedy - you're posting in the humor and jokes thread. And that post right there is NOT FUNNY!:mad::eek::p

    Ha - we need to have an "our government is stupid" thread......I bet it'd be a lot longer than this one!
     
    DrPrepper, Terri9630, Woody and 7 others like this.
  17. Dec 17, 2018 #1427

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    4,188
    Likes Received:
    18,680
    You are right! It would be one of the longest threads here!
     
    angie_nrs, Patchouli, Caribou and 3 others like this.
  18. Dec 17, 2018 #1428

    Sparky_D

    Sparky_D

    Sparky_D

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2017
    Messages:
    74
    Likes Received:
    553
    Location:
    Pierce County WA
    One of the few Ven Diagrams that actually made me LOL... Hands.jpg
     
  19. Dec 17, 2018 #1429

    Amish Heart

    Amish Heart

    Amish Heart

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    3,326
    Likes Received:
    18,816
    And for the mamas out there, there needs to be a bubble for Moms seeing a little one choking. She can say, "Raise your wings!"
     
  20. Dec 17, 2018 #1430

    GrannyG

    GrannyG

    GrannyG

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2017
    Messages:
    312
    Likes Received:
    1,979
  21. Dec 18, 2018 #1431

    Flight

    Flight

    Flight

    Just a Canadian trucker...awesome one Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2017
    Messages:
    880
    Likes Received:
    4,072
    Location:
    Ontario
    Can you find me?
    Screenshot_20181218-070007_Lite.jpg
     
    Meerkat, Terri9630, Patchouli and 5 others like this.
  22. Dec 19, 2018 #1432

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    4,188
    Likes Received:
    18,680
    Not really, but.
    turn signal.JPG
     
    joel, Meerkat, Caribou and 6 others like this.
  23. Dec 22, 2018 #1433

    Flight

    Flight

    Flight

    Just a Canadian trucker...awesome one Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2017
    Messages:
    880
    Likes Received:
    4,072
    Location:
    Ontario
    Screenshot_20181221-182917_Lite.jpg
     
    joel, bkt, Sparky_D and 7 others like this.
  24. Dec 22, 2018 #1434

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    4,188
    Likes Received:
    18,680
    Flight, that is kind of how I am feeling right now. I have been cleaning out cabinets, re-organizing, and cleaning. I never seem to have broth or stock when I want it, but goodness, I really do have a bunch of it. I need to make a big pot of soup.
     
  25. Dec 22, 2018 #1435

    Flight

    Flight

    Flight

    Just a Canadian trucker...awesome one Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2017
    Messages:
    880
    Likes Received:
    4,072
    Location:
    Ontario
    So Weedy are you saying your a bouilonaire now? Must be great. Lol
     
  26. Dec 22, 2018 #1436

    Meerkat

    Meerkat

    Meerkat

    Awesome Friend Neighbor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    7,881
    Likes Received:
    26,791
    In that case I'm a pauper because I don't care much for stocks of any kind. I make my own with whatever I'm cooking. I use to buy broth for dressing but now just use drippings and butter.
     
  27. Dec 22, 2018 #1437

    SouthCentralUS

    SouthCentralUS

    SouthCentralUS

    Awesome Friend Neighbor

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2017
    Messages:
    137
    Likes Received:
    708
  28. Dec 22, 2018 #1438

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    4,188
    Likes Received:
    18,680
    I have made bone broth and stock, but I have used more than I could keep up with, so I always like to have some on hand. Every turkey carcass, ham bone, and soup bones get made into broth or stock or directly into soup.

    I have bought cases of canned Swanson's from Costco, years ago. The one thing though, is that it is chemical laden, and I keep trying to avoid them.

    Buillionaire? Me, never. I just like having some on hand.

    Gravy? Yes, but never from canned broth or stock. Gravy is a topic in and of itself. I did not realize that gravy is such a difficult thing for people to make. I have had many people over the years remark about the fact that I could make gravy, and good gravy. I remember in a forum once, someone mentioned that they had X amount of gravy packets. Not a chance. Chemicals with MSG added.
     
    Meerkat, NannyPatty, Caribou and 2 others like this.
  29. Dec 22, 2018 #1439

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Weedygarden

    Awesome Friend Neighbor Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    4,188
    Likes Received:
    18,680
  30. Dec 22, 2018 #1440

    Meerkat

    Meerkat

    Meerkat

    Awesome Friend Neighbor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Messages:
    7,881
    Likes Received:
    26,791
    I use to do the same thing, Swanson'sBroth but now just make my own. .
     
    Caribou, snappy1 and Weedygarden like this.

Share This Page