Humor and Jokes

Discussion in 'Front Porch Chat' started by phideaux, Dec 3, 2017.

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  1. Dec 24, 2018 #1441

    GrannyG

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  2. Dec 24, 2018 #1442

    Amish Heart

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    Gross
     
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  3. Dec 24, 2018 #1443

    Sparky_D

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  4. Dec 24, 2018 #1444

    Flight

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  5. Dec 27, 2018 #1445

    GrannyG

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  6. Dec 27, 2018 #1446

    Meerkat

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    Southern language,

     
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  7. Dec 28, 2018 #1447

    JAC

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  8. Dec 30, 2018 #1448

    Woody

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    upload_2018-12-30_7-59-44.png
     
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  9. Jan 6, 2019 #1449

    GrannyG

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  10. Jan 7, 2019 #1450

    Weedygarden

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    Weight Loss Program:

    A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

    The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

    She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

    Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 lbs as promised.

    He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10 lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

    Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

    Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

    "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

    The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

    He lost 33 lbs that week..
     
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  11. Jan 10, 2019 #1451

    JAC

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  12. Jan 10, 2019 #1452

    JAC

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  13. Jan 10, 2019 #1453

    JAC

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  14. Jan 10, 2019 #1454

    JAC

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  15. Jan 10, 2019 #1455

    JAC

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  16. Jan 10, 2019 #1456

    JAC

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  17. Jan 10, 2019 #1457

    JAC

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  18. Jan 10, 2019 #1458

    Amish Heart

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    I understand the sharpies joke. I can't let my grown sisters sleep over when I fall asleep first.
     
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  19. Jan 11, 2019 #1459

    backlash

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  20. Jan 11, 2019 #1460

    Cnsper

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  21. Jan 11, 2019 #1461

    Cnsper

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  22. Jan 11, 2019 #1462

    Cnsper

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  23. Jan 11, 2019 #1463

    Sparky_D

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    You know you are "Working Class" when you have to wash your hands BEFORE using the bathroom... :ghostly:
     
  24. Jan 11, 2019 #1464

    JAC

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    SHOP RAG TIME!
     
  25. Jan 11, 2019 #1465

    angie_nrs

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    Cnsper.....you honestly made me laugh out loud!:D That's exactly why I don't have an echo or alexa......total waste of ammo!
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2019
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  26. Jan 11, 2019 #1466

    Caribou

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    My brother was bragging about how my SIL had bought him one of those. I told him that if my wife bought me anything like an Amazon Echo I'd beat her with it. My audiologist was bragging about getting one. I told he that it was recording everything said in her home. She said nothing important was ever said in her home. I asked her that if her husband was chasing her around the house if she was okay with them having a recording of her giggles. She didn't like that idea.
     
  27. Jan 11, 2019 #1467

    Terri9630

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  28. Jan 11, 2019 #1468

    Terri9630

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    I showed that to my husband. With the way he was giggling I think I better hide not just the sharpies but every writing implement in the neighborhood!
     
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  29. Jan 12, 2019 #1469

    Bacpacker

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  30. Jan 12, 2019 #1470

    angie_nrs

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    This is why most folks don't like to use a bathroom at an "out of the way" gas station.

    I immediately think of the Twister movie where the girlfriend (dressed in all white) who ended up somewhere she wasn't anticipating, takes the bathroom key attached to the wooden block by two fingers and heads towards the bathroom. I'm quite certain she would have encountered a toilet seat with black fingerprints along the front or edges, where the mechanic had lifted the seat.

    Been there.......done that.:p

    Anti-bacterial gel in the purse is a beautiful thing! Smear that around with paper towel or toilet paper and you're ready to roll, since it dries quickly. Plus, I always like to leave a place in better shape than what I encounter it.

    Ladies......quick tip.....if you don't have gel, use the TP as an azz gasket by ripping 3 pieces to cover the U on the toilet seat to provide a small level of protection from the seat.



    Sorry to go off topic.......back to our regularly scheduled jokes!!:D
     
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