Joke Of The Day

[Sentry18]

Tells us your favorite joke, and don't forget to come back tomorrow.



Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.


But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Well Watson...” he says. “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent!”

 

[robin416]

LOL I did not expect that. Thanks for the laugh.

 

[zoomzoom]

Two women are chatting in an office.
Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"
Woman 2: "Yes."
Woman 1: "Was it good?"
Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got it on, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?"
Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour.When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairy tale!"

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?"
Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?"
Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home and there was no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it 'on' for an hour and then I couldn't 'finish' for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!"

 

[Custos]

This is probably one of my worst "dad jokes" but since I heard it from my dad a long time ago I guess that makes sense....

How to catch a Polar Bear:

1. Cut a hole in the ice

2. Sprinkle a can of peas around the hole.

3. When the bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.

Dad joke extrodinare!

 

[SheepDog]

Less a joke and more just plain good advice:

 

[zoomzoom]

I resemble that.

 

[BBQJoe]

How to summon your passed father at a seance.

 

[AtomicFarmer]

How to summon your passed father at a seance.

View attachment 841

:thumbs up:

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[phideaux]

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-know cardiac-surgeon in his shop.

The cardiac-surgeon was waiting for the service manager to look at his car, when the mechanic shouted across the garage. “Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So, Doc,look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.”

"So, how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7 M, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiac surgeon paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic,
“Try doing it with the engine running."


Jim

 

[snappy1]

Excellent point!

 

[phideaux]

Ship's New Female Quarters Regulations

Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters
in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all Subs.
While addressing all personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised,
"Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males.
Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."

The Sub Commander continued,
"Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150.
Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500.
Are there any questions?"

At this point, a submariner from the security detail assigned to the sub
stood up in the crowd and inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"

Jim

 

[The Lazy L]

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, “What is wrong with you?”

Adam said, “I don’t have anyone to talk to.”

God said, “I will give you a companion and it will be a woman.” He said, “This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make, she will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

“She will not nag,” God continued, “and will always be the first to admit she was wrong. When you’ve had a disagreement, she will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever needed.”

Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?”

God said, “An arm and a leg!”

Adam said, “What can I get for just a rib?”

And the rest if history…