WASHINGTON D.C. -- On Tuesday, joy broke out in cities, towns and villages across the planet after the United Nations announced that humanity had at last accomplished what many male Western philosophers for centuries described as impossible: world peace.
All over the globe, wars ended and conflicts stopped as warlords announced mass retirements and arms manufacturers shuttered their doors.
When ecstatic reporters asked American President Hillary Rodham Clinton and German Chancellor Angela Merkel how they managed to usher in a new age of global peace, the world leaders attributed their achievement to the fact that they'd synced their menstrual cycles.
"It's well-known that war is the deadly manifestation of man's menstrual envy," Merkel said. "Men spill blood, making death, because it is biologically impossible for them to make life. Hillary and I have always understood this, and believed in the combined power of wombs," she said at a joint White House press conference where the world leaders celebrated this historic moment.
Clinton said that she and Merkel started keeping a joint Google calendar designed to track their respective moon times in early 2013. "At first, we were two weeks apart. But steadily, our cycles started to overlap, until they finally converged in glorious harmony. By the time I was sworn in in January, we were even spotting at the same times," she said.
Clinton said she and Merkel quickly bonded over the lack of tampons at The Hague and started taking joint Besties trips to the ladies' bathrooms at global conferences like the G20 and G7, where they smoked cigarettes in the stalls after Huma disabled the smoke detector, snuck fortifying shots of whiskey from Theresa May's flask, and spent hours viciously laughing about Russian President Vladimir Putin's crashing libido.
Clinton and Merkel told the press that hope to eradicate disease by the time they enter menopause together in January of 2020.