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A man walked out into the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got in and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank."

Passenger: “Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab; things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.

He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.

He could fix anything, not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong and his clothing was always immaculate; shoes highly polished, too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman"

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.
 
A little old Lady was walking down the street in South Surrey dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill would fall out onto the sidewalk
Noticing this, an RCMP stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old Lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the Mountie.
"Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old Lady.
"You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence,
right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make
the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
 
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again'?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you ****ing retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it.....wrong.
 
Back in 1785, John Adams was appointed as the first American ambassador to Great Britain. This was right after the revolutionary war.

One night at a party with the Prime Minister's residence they had a large banquet with dozens of people including Adams. Americans weren't very popular in England at that time.

After dinner Adams asked his host the prime minister where the privy was. He pointed to a small out building in the rear of the large house.

When Adams entered he noticed a large picture on the wall of George Washington, meant as an insult to Washington.

When Adams returned to the party, the prime minister asked Adam if he happened to notice the large portrait of Washington. Adams said yes I did. The prime minister asked him what he thought. Adams said he fully agreed with the portrait and found it to be very appropriate and offered other compliments.

The stunned prime minister seemed to be confused with Adams answer. He asked him if he found it insulting to George Washington and Adams said no not at all, I find it very efficient.

EFFICENT said the prime minister, what do you mean?

Adams replied that it's been his experience that nothing will scare the _____out of an Englishmen quicker than the very sight of General George Washington.
 
I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.


"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me."

"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
 
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