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This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prizel

Christmas with Louise

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an x-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hr. saying things like, “What does this do?” “You're kidding me!” “Who would buy that?” Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. “Love Dolls” come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd never heard of. I settled for “Lovable Louise”. She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled
the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morening my brother called to say that santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. “What in the hell is that?” she asked.
My brother quickly explained, “It's a doll.”
“Who would play with something like that?” Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.
“Where are her clothes?” Granny continued.
“Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,”Jay said, to steer her into dining room.
But Granny was relentless. “Why doesn't she have any teeth?”
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, “Hang on Granny, hang on!”

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, “Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?”
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well, We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas
 
We had some fun out of one of those inflate-a-date ladies at a place where I worked.
We had a boss who absolutely hated Alabama's crimson tide, he simply would NOT STHU about missing the big game and every five minutes he'd go off about it, it was driving us NUTS! So at lunch, me and my work bud went to a pawn shop that sold such things under the counter, while our crew boss went home and rounded up the rest of the prank, we put some pom poms in its hands and a Crimson Tide shirt on it, sneaked it into the shop and filled it with helium, then put it in his office above his desk. at the end of the day he went up to his office, poured himself a glass of Bourbon, lit a white owl stink bomb cigar and leaned back with his feet on the desk...THEN SCREAMED LIKE A CAT ON FIRE! He came running out of his office with a death clutch around that thing's neck swearing he was going to fire everyone on the shift unless the guilty party fessed up, first we denied it, then we blamed each other, and then one of us had the idea of saying they thought they saw his ex's car outside... He never did find out the whole crew was behind it, the last we saw of that thing it was headed East in a head wind. LOL
 
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