Are You Prepared for. . . (a serious question)

[LadyLocust]

So I know every family is different. But I will share a scenario with no great answer. . . here goes.
Hubby's sister is in a care home. She has MS and has been in a wheel chair for years, but since seizing last year, has been nonverbal and no longer has use of her right side. She was right handed. She does have use of her left hand but it's difficult for her. They've re-geared her wheel chair so the control is on the left etc. Needless to say, she is in quite a state. Hubby's 81 year old mom goes for about 5 hours everyday to help care for her since the care facility she's in is so short staffed. If things go sideways, there isn't any good option. We've thought about our parents as they age and what we might need to do, but any of you with loved ones in a care facility, what are the plans for that loved one?

 

[Tsrwivey]

We’ve taken care of my grandma who died of cancer, my dad as he recovered/rehabilitated from Covid, and my son who required 24/7 nursing care all at home. Hopefully we will be able to care for any other family members at home & I have the knowledge, equipment, experience and skills to do so. However, it’s a short list of people we’d be willing to make that sacrifice for.

 

[Amish Heart]

Mom's in assisted living now, not far away. We tried to get her to live with us. We have land, so even tried to get her to live in a trailer (a nice one) on our property so she could have privacy. No go. Said no way.
So, yes, I'd take her, but she'd be pissy about it, and do her best to be miserable. I am able to take care of her.

 

[Solar Geek]

Mom's in assisted living now, not far away. We tried to get her to live with us. We have land, so even tried to get her to live in a trailer (a nice one) on our property so she could have privacy. No go. Said no way.
So, yes, I'd take her, but she'd be pissy about it, and do her best to be miserable. I am able to take care of her.

Oh my gosh this is us. We specifically built our current place to take my mom and/or DH's parents. ADA compliant on every aspect, tile floors to make walkers, canes and wheelchairs safe. All seemed to think this was a good idea at that time (11-12 years ago). But DH's parents wasted all their money on trips, parties (for family mostly) and did not conserve. $50,000 in the bank. That's it, and the condo but if they sell that where do they go? We knew this would happen right after we got married and we decided I would go to law school to make tons of $$ to put aside for what we are now facing. But prices were different then. And "lots of $$" then is not 1/2 what you will need for 2 terribly unhealthy people now. Sadly, even with our help now, They will have to be on Medicaid after the sale money is gone which at best is 2 years at just assisted living rates in Milwaukee and suburbs area and they need a guarantee they will not be turned out then. Only 1 place not in a dangerous area offers that. So come live with us? NOPE

But FIL now falls all the time. From ignoring his very active diabetes for 25 years (because he is rail-thin which runs in the men in the family) he thought is would never get him. Total neuropathy in both feet and legs to knees. Yikes! Also had family widowmaker heart attack at 35 years ago but unlike most of the guys he lived and had stents. But the blood flow to the brain both from the failure to follow a sensible diet (again rail thin so no need right?) and the diabetes have brought on a very quick dementia and it is moving down the plateaus fast. So, cannot come here. Too dangerous with a fall which happens weekly. Their condo (very nice with thick carpets and lots of furniture to grab onto) is a safer place until they go into a home. Which we are working on but it is a battle for MIL to admit it is time for FIL and she cannot live alone.

MIL now has out of control asthma. Past melanomas, and terribly sad events with bad doctors have left her barely able to walk, in constant crippling pain (needs opiods but will only take at night so suffers all day) and yet doing the best she can. She goes to the ER for the asthma almost 6x/year and also now for afib also. Up till literally 4 months ago, they were "ok" with lots of $$ support and visits. (4.5 hours round trip each time).

My Mom is now disabled and cannot fly as she did till 88. Was totally mobile prior to 8/2020, we flew her up at least 1x/ year and visited also. Still Lives in FL and WILL NOT MOVE OR LET US MOVE HER. Refused vistors and all help from us and siblings despite a terrible fall 8/2/2020 at the height of COVID. But we must spend $$$ support her (1 brother and 1 sister) as she never worked and Dad's pension is $400/mo and SS is $1,700/mo. She will not lets us bring her here despite loving our house and being here for weeks on end by choice.

So we are you. I suspect there are many of "us" out there right now. Praying for all of us to get to the right decisions for the safety of our frail family members.

 

[Morgan101]

Tough call, LL. All of our parents are gone. My FIL was in assisted living for short time. My MIL passed away at home.

My parents both went very quickly, and never required care out of the home. My only suggestion would be to find a different place that might better take care of her needs. I have no idea what might be available. Hope it all works out, and special prayers for your family.

 

[LadyLocust]

Tough call, LL. All of our parents are gone. My FIL was in assisted living for short time. My MIL passed away at home.

My parents both went very quickly, and never required care out of the home. My only suggestion would be to find a different place that might better take care of her needs. I have no idea what might be available. Hope it all works out, and special prayers for your family.

Care facilities are short staffed due to burnout under "normal" circumstances. She is at the best place available. Staff shortages everywhere & they are no exception - sadly.

 

[backlash]

Unless you are extremely wealth or have made a solid plan years ago there are NO good options for long term care. My wife's sister and BIL had to move into a care facility. It is a nice place but it's still a nursing home where people are stored until they die. He died on Saturday so we'll see what happens to her now.
I can easily vision my wife and I needing constant care but fortunately our daughter is a nurse and lives with us.

 

[Sourdough]

Is Oregon sill the only state with assisted departure from earth......???

 

[LadyLocust]

Is Oregon sill the only state with assisted departure from earth......???

I don't know for sure. She is actually in Oregon. She does have a do not resuscitate order. She has a great since of humor, realistic understanding, and doesn't want trouble for anyone, herself included. She would not last without the meds she's currently on. I posed the question though so folks could stew on it now rather than later.
Not sure if you were referring to that or just in general.

 

[Sourdough]

Not sure if you were referring to that or just in general.

Actually, specifically for me.......but also in general.

 

[LadyLocust]

Actually, specifically for me.......but also in general.

Oh boy SD. To my knowledge OR still has it. It's not easy to attain, usually have to have a pretty bad prognosis. I don't know about other states.

 

[Sourdough]

I just don't understand why society compels people to do it in all the sloppy ways, when it can be neat, efficient, painless, with guaranteed results.

 

[Supervisor42]

I just don't understand why society compels people to do it in all the sloppy ways, when it can be neat, efficient, painless, with guaranteed results.

You must not must not know much about "hospice".
It's available in every state.
They will let you find the "exit-door".
They took care of my brother who had terminal colon-cancer.
They told the family to call in everyone to tell him goodbye because he had 48 hours left.
They weren't off by much... it was 36 hours.

 

[Amish Heart]

I believe only God should take a life, so would not do that. I made sure mom does not have a DNR. My sisters weren't too pleased about that, mostly because they envision her hanging on forever if she has a stroke, and using up all her money, which they would like to have. Well, one in particular. The other doesn't care. Am lucky that mom has money to last in assisted care for a very long time. They won't kick her out to the medical care memory unit just yet, unless she really shows her crazy. If she goes to the medical unit, she will use up her money fairly quickly. She loves where she is now, and wants to have her second bedroom redecorated for company that wants to stay the weekend. Ha. There is no company that wants to stay for the weekend. She will be 90 this November, has too many falls, refuses to use her walker, refuses hearing aids, makes up junk she expects everyone to believe, hides everything, and is generally very mean. She was a terrible mom to me and my sisters, and my husband says she's lucky we even speak to her and care for her. If she comprehended Roe vs Wade was abolished, she'd be jumping for joy. She is an eternal feminist. I suspect that when she goes, she'll have a stroke and go soon after. She is insisting I make sure she's cremated, and I really have a problem with that. Gives me the heebie jeebies.

 

[Sourdough]

You must not must not know much about "hospice".

I know very-very little. I actually started a thread on only this subject about two months ago, and nearly no one wanted to discuss it. "hospice" is not today an option for many.......and will be hard to find if the SHTF. I don't know what the failure ratio is for those who do it yourself is, but I sure hear of many sloppy failures.

 

[Supervisor42]

I believe only God should take a life, so would not do that. I made sure mom does not have a DNR. My sisters weren't too pleased about that, mostly because they envision her hanging on forever if she has a stroke, and using up all her money, which they would like to have. Well, one in particular. The other doesn't care. Am lucky that mom has money to last in assisted care for a very long time. They won't kick her out to the medical care memory unit just yet, unless she really shows her crazy. If she goes to the medical unit, she will use up her money fairly quickly. She loves where she is now, and wants to have her second bedroom redecorated for company that wants to stay the weekend. Ha. There is no company that wants to stay for the weekend. She will be 90 this November, has too many falls, refuses to use her walker, refuses hearing aids, makes up junk she expects everyone to believe, hides everything, and is generally very mean. She was a terrible mom to me and my sisters, and my husband says she's lucky we even speak to her and care for her. If she comprehended Roe vs Wade was abolished, she'd be jumping for joy. She is an eternal feminist. I suspect that when she goes, she'll have a stroke and go soon after. She is insisting I make sure she's cremated, and I really have a problem with that. Gives me the heebie jeebies.

Yes, and now back to LL's fantastic thread. Nobody wants to ask the question: "Who is going to take care of me when I'm 85 and can't do for myself?".
I have mentioned that in several threads about the importance of care in your final years and how expensive it is.
No takers.
Apology to LL for me and SD taking it in a dark, macabre direction.

On topic: But people should plan and prepare for their 'last days'.
When to sell the house? Where to go? Who will the people be that are there? Will they stay around? How long can I afford to pay them?

 

[backlash]

A friends brother went to a party store and said he was having a birthday party and wanted helium balloons. He got balloons and a tank of helium. He put a plastic bag over his head and ran the helium into it. He died pretty fast and they said painlessly.
Not that I'm advocating suicided but it doesn't always have to be messy.
I knew 2 guys that put a .38 under their chin and ended their life. Those were messy but fast.

Now my take on Hospice.
They are very good at dealing with end of life situations.
They can administer meds that doctors cannot.
Morphine is their method of choice. The good ones know how much and how long so they can end suffering pretty well.
My MIL and my BIL went with hospice care.
In my MILs case she just had morphine patches and they applied enough of them to get the job done.
My SIL was in ICU and couldn't breath without O2 and even with 60 liters of O2 her O2 level would not go above 85.
They removed the O2 and kept giving her morphine till she died.

My apologies to LL for going OT.
Back OT

My Aunt and Uncle are both getting on in age and he has dementia. She is doing ok but it's only a matter of time till she will need care.
Right now they live together at home but that can't last.
They are well off financially and can afford long term care but it will be heartbreaking to see them go through that.
I have visited several people in nursing homes and I do not want to go there. I would take the messy way out first, especially if my wife died before me.

 

[Amish Heart]

It all depends. Maybe it depends if you are a nice person, it can't hurt.
I did tell you what mom pays for assisted living. Nice newer 2 bedroom apartment. Seven residents in the building. Each apartment opens to a common indoor area with a dining area. Three good meals served a day. Snacks and drinks in between. Nurse on staff 24/7. They check vitals each day, and check on each person every couple of hours. Laundry, apartment cleaning, utilities included. Mom's rent is a bit higher because she can't handle her own meds. She pays $3400 a month for this. She is in Kansas. It's called Mennonite Friendship Manor. They have independent living apartments, duplexes, assisted living, and medical unit. If a person runs out of their own money, then they put you on "Kansas Cares" and that pays your way. But it's your money first. Her neighbor is our former across the road farm neighbor. He sold here and moved there about two years ago. His name is Ivan, and his last crop was out my front door....over 100 acres of sunflowers. They were gorgeous! He is 94 and still drives.

 

[JustMe]

I know very-very little. I actually started a thread on only this subject about two months ago, and nearly no one wanted to discuss it. "hospice" is not today an option for many.......and will be hard to find if the SHTF. I don't know what the failure ratio is for those who do it yourself is, but I sure hear of many sloppy failures.

Hospice is technically nursing care in the final stages of life......usually meaning you have an incurable disease or other life altering health condition and expected less than 6 months to live, Also called end of life care, or quality of life care.

Each case is different and there are other states that have 'legal assisted suicide'., Even here in WA it is legal, but there is probably a ton of legal hoops to jump thru, IDK.

I took care of my mother for about 8 months or so, until she needed more care than I could provide. At which point she went into a nursing home for the last 3 months of her life.

Then my husband had terminal cancer, went thru chemo, radiation and whatever else the DR offered until she finally said she could do no more for him. His initial prognosis was 2 months, but managed to continue to drive himself to appointments for over 3 years. After the Dr had said there was no more could be done, he was referred for Hospice, in home care. Meaning I took care of him 24/7 and a Hospice nurse would come for weekly visits. She would take his vitals, check on, refill or change his meds as needed. Mainly upping his morphine and other pain meds. That is what is considered 'quality of life'. Anything to keep them comfortable. I had wondered if he would ask for enough meds to overdose. Thankfully he didn't, since I wasn't sure if I could do that or be part of it. It had never been discussed with the nurse either....but from all the meds at our fingertips, I could see where some people might take advantage of that.

My taking care of him really was just normal daily activities. He was still able to shower, change clothes, and toileting on his own until the last month or so.

 

[JustMe]

ACK.......I did it too, sorry.


subject matter is defined by a thin line and is difficult not to cross

 

[montanabill]

These are my own guidance's that I have though long and hard about.
Right now if you have the resources and desire it is possible to devote your life to caring for your parents or family.
As inflation and worker shortages worsen it will come to a situation where you will be killing healthy young people by expending resources and your time on a person who will not survive very long.
My wife has worked in long term care and had to deal with people begging with her every day to just let them die and go to heaven.

https://www.amazon.com/Final-Exit-P...=1656863242&sprefix=final+exit,aps,254&sr=8-1