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*Andi

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Joined
Dec 6, 2017
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503
Location
Virginia
As we have more than a few smart folks here ... I need some help...

Long story short, In Dec. my mom passed over and my dad wanted to stay in their home. My older brother had a different a thought, takes 50 k out of the account he was on and heads back with my dad in tow.

And that is all I know, I've tried to talk to my brother but he is well... Telling me dad hates me and don't want to talk to me ...etc... We (my other brother) did a wellness check but no one came to the door. So the police have been no help and don't want to do anymore checks.

The other brother is working with the courts ... but getting no where. (as am I)

I want to report my dad is missing... Which is true, I have no clue where my dad is... with my older brother, in a hospital, old folk home, va hospital ...

It would be easy if my older brother didn't live 12 hours away. I may just need to get someone to watch the farm and camp out at their house. (and hope for the best)

What do you think, as I'm at my wits end ...
 
*Andi said:
As we have more than a few smart folks here ... I need some help...

Long story short, In Dec. my mom passed over and my dad wanted to stay in their home. My older brother had a different a thought, takes 50 k out of the account he was on and heads back with my dad in tow.

And that is all I know, I've tried to talk to my brother but he is well... Telling me dad hates me and don't want to talk to me ...etc... We (my other brother) did a wellness check but no one came to the door. So the police have been no help and don't want to do anymore checks.

The other brother is working with the courts ... but getting no where. (as am I)

I want to report my dad is missing... Which is true, I have no clue where my dad is... with my older brother, in a hospital, old folk home, va hospital ...

It would be easy if my older brother didn't live 12 hours away. I may just need to get someone to watch the farm and camp out at their house. (and hope for the best)

What do you think, as I'm at my wits end ...
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So sorry about your situation.

Is your dad mentally competent? Did he have any dislike of you and your brother prior to being taken by your brother? Is this typical behavior of your brother? I'm assuming your brother who took your dad won't talk to you or anyone else about the situation? Is the brother who took your dad 12 hours away, or is your dads house 12 hours away?

I'd contact a private investigator and tell him the situation. See what he/she says and make a decision from there. I can't really make any other recommendations without knowing a bit more.
 
angie_nrs said:
So sorry about your situation.

Is your dad mentally competent? Did he have any dislike of you and your brother prior to being taken by your brother? Is this typical behavior of your brother? I'm assuming your brother who took your dad won't talk to you or anyone else about the situation? Is the brother who took your dad 12 hours away, or is your dads house 12 hours away?

I'd contact a private investigator and tell him the situation. See what he/she says and make a decision from there. I can't really make any other recommendations without knowing a bit more.
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.

I have been thinking about a private investigator ... My dad is in his 90's and as competent as another person in their 90's ... as I'm told.

My older brother will not let dad talk to anyone... me, my other brother, grandkids ... etc.

And yes this is typical behavior of my older brother ... He had my dad to put a code on my mother in the hospital so no one could be with her without his "OK"
 
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Contact the local Law enforcement department with jurisdiction were you father is (to the best of your knowledge) tell them you plan to make a wellness check and that your brother may become violent and that you require an officer to attend to prevent the possibility of a possible shooting. Since you do not have any way of knowing if your brother is armed or not or is or is not dangerous, it is not a false police report but no police department wants this on the record and then have something serious happen AFTER they were notified.

With a LEO in tow, you should be able to get some answers. Just one course of action. I am sure there are many more choices. JM2C
 
I've worked with the elderly and often "one child" would cause trouble for all the other children. It was usually over money, or material items. A lot of times adult children want their parent(s) to live with them so they can abuse their ss check. It becomes a sad situation when that "one child" manipulates their elderly parent, even convincing them that their other children hate them.

IMO @*Andi call Social Services where you believe your Dad is living. Tell the social worker your Dad's age and concerns about his ss check, bank account, etc. Build a relationship with this one social worker and keep everything you write down and any information they give you. You can attempt to call your Dad's doctor, if you find who it is, and build a good relationship with them too. Another thing you can do is hire a lawyer, who will tell you your rights, as a child, and your parent(s) rights. A lawyer costs A Lot less than a private investigator and can possibly get something legally done for you in one visit.

If you call the police, they will either listen to your sibling and think it's just a domestic dispute or they will call Social Services, but there has to be cause.
Calling a private investigator will cost you A Lot of money, like thousands, and you can get the same things done with a social worker.

I'm sorry for your loss and hope the best for you and your Dad.

ETA: If there becomes a need for you to pick up your Dad from another state, call Home Instead Senior Care to sit with your parent until you get there, or call a caretaker. I've been called by the police to "sit" with an elderly person until their child drove from another state to pick them up.
 
IMHO your older Brother is interested only in your Dad's money. That's why he doesn't want anyone talking to Dad, dad would hear the other side of the story. If you can, move all of your Dad's assets to where the older brother can't access them. Then (unfortunately) your dad will be of no further use to the older brother?

Years back there was a big stink on my mother's side of the family. Great Uncle died, surprisingly mom was name Executor which made the other family members extremely upset. Turns out that every other family member had borrowed money from the Great Uncle and had not paid the loans back.

Similar situation on my wife's side. SIL is handling MIL finances. SIL is very vague and becomes upset if questioned. I find it amazing that a SIL with a history of lack of finance responsibility is now being trusted with the MIL's money. The other family members find it easier to sing "Come by Here" with their heads in the sand.
 
Terri9630 said:
If the local PD is no help try the sheriffs dpt or state police. It wouldn't hurt to call and talk to them to see what they have to say on the matter.
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That was going to be my suggestion as well. And while there is a cost to it, sometimes hiring an assertive attorney can open doorways and clear paths as well.

I will have a good thought for you and your dad today.
 
I certainly don't have all the answers b/c I don't know all the circumstances.....but, if your dad is mentally competent, I'm afraid there's probably not a lot you can do. I don't think a lawyer or any other professional has much of a leg to stand on if your dad can competently speak for himself.
It sounds like your brother is manipulating the situation.:(

Is there a friend of a friend or a neighbor to your dad that you can perhaps go through in order to check on your dads well being? Maybe the only option you are left with is contacting someone (a mediator) who has good communication with both you and your brother just to make sure your dad is happy and being taken care of. Also if your dad filled out a power of attorney or any other paperwork specifying your brother, then he has the control to do as he wishes as long as your dad isn't being abused. If your dad passes away and none of that paperwork has been filled out then I foresee a lot of court appearances in your future. If you push him to fill out the paperwork now, he'd likely name your brother on all the paperwork......then I still foresee a lot of court appearances, but your brother will likely win. Unfortunately, I do not see a happy ending to this situation. I'm so sorry.

As far as contacting your dads doctor....they won't tell you anything due to HIPPA laws, unless your dad specifically filled out paperwork allowing them to share information specifically with you. Given the situation, I highly doubt that is the case. You can certainly still try, but I doubt you'll get anywhere.
 
Thanks all!

I have spoken with local and state police in both states without much help. I have not talked to Social Services, so I will try them today.
It looks more and more like we will have to make the trip up there and yes, I will ask the local police to help us with the wellness check.

Thanks again!
 
snappy1 said:
I believe contacting a lawyer, although expensive, is your best move to actually get some answers and define your rights.
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My "other" brother has 2 lawyers working with mine... It has been one road block then another. We had a court date set but the judge ask for medical records we do not have nor can we get without talking to our dad. So back to square one... again...
Big brother will let no one talk with dad. (which should be a red flag for anyone)
I have a call into Social Services for that area ... and waiting...
 
Hopefully he's not drugging him. My sis did that to mom, and then brought her in for a "dementia diagnosis", and then they added tons more mind numbing drugs. We found her drooling and sitting in a wheelchair, barely able to speak in a lock down dementia home. Sis was taking off with $650 K. At least she thought she was. Money does bad things to people. We did it without lawyers, but if we would of gotten there a week later, or if she knew we were coming, we wouldn't of been able to pull it off. I was so nervous at the airport, flying her out of California. Thought for sure an officer would come up at any time. Now she's living in a nice apt, but with assisted living, and loves it. She has her money and can do whatever she pleases. She doesn't have dementia, she's just naturally mean and obnoxious.
 
Contact a representative from the state senior counsel, and get a senior ombudsman to help you out. He could be forced to say what that family member is telling him, in order to profit once he dies. They can at least go in and interview him privately, and depending on his answers, may get that brother for elder abuse. If after an interview, they feel he is being cared for properly, then they may just let you know that there is nothing else you can do.

I know, in California every location who deals with seniors, must post the phone number for the ombudsman. Go to a senior center or a senior home and I'm sure they will help you once you explain your story.
 
havasu said:
Contact a representative from the state senior counsel, and get a senior ombudsman to help you out. He could be forced to say what that family member is telling him, in order to profit once he dies. They can at least go in and interview him privately, and depending on his answers, may get that brother for elder abuse. If after an interview, they feel he is being cared for properly, then they may just let you know that there is nothing else you can do.

I know, in California every location who deals with seniors, must post the phone number for the ombudsman. Go to a senior center or a senior home and I'm sure they will help you once you explain your story.
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That's a great idea, Havasu!
 
*Andi said:
My "other" brother has 2 lawyers working with mine... It has been one road block then another. We had a court date set but the judge ask for medical records we do not have nor can we get without talking to our dad. So back to square one... again...
Big brother will let no one talk with dad. (which should be a red flag for anyone)
I have a call into Social Services for that area ... and waiting...
Click to expand...

Do you know where "big brother" is? I don't condone malicious behavior but having said that there have been times in life where a different approach is needed to correct a poor attitude. This is your dad as well and there is no justification in my mind, when there are additional children, that all sides are not heard. Three lawyers and two additional children should carry weight and although hippa laws do prevent giving details in some cases I would think the severity of the situation justifies court orders to assist in clarification. Dad needs to be heard, away from the controlling person and when he feels safe. The courts need to ensure that. If they cannot or will not then there should be alternative measures that can be taken. I would think in the south things would be more oriented to family than some of the crackpot things that go on up here. We will be praying for a good outcome for you and your family.
 
Update: After 4 hours on the phone this afternoon, I spoke with a lady from social services that told me to report my dad as missing and gave me a number to call. So called the number to see what we had to do and the very nice officer first off ask for the address and phone number of my brother... He ask a few more questions and told me would be in touch.

15 minutes later he call back and reports that he spoke with my brother and the wellness check would be finished shortly and it was. I now know where my dad is and that he is alright.

Thanks for all your help!

Now I'm heading back to the courts to see if we can use the wellness check for the judge ... Thanks again.
 
*Andi said:
Update: After 4 hours on the phone this afternoon, I spoke with a lady from social services that told me to report my dad as missing and gave me a number to call. So called the number to see what we had to do and the very nice officer first off ask for the address and phone number of my brother... He ask a few more questions and told me would be in touch.

15 minutes later he call back and reports that he spoke with my brother and the wellness check would be finished shortly and it was. I now know where my dad is and that he is alright.

Thanks for all your help!

Now I'm heading back to the courts to see if we can use the wellness check for the judge ... Thanks again.
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Well that's good news. Hopefully you have more good news to report down the road.
 
Sorry to hear of the family problems, in these instances the only ones who come out on top are the lawyers (curses be opon them and may the fleas of a thousand camels be in their bed).
 
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