When someone is a friend, and when they are not!

[Weedygarden]

Pearl has been talking about someone she considered a friend, only to find out that they are not really her friend.

This happens to be a thread topic I have considered starting for quite a while, and thank you, Pearl, now I am.

Do I have all the answers? No siree! But I do have some experiences, as do all of you.

I have known people whom I considered as friends, when what they really were, were users. If you knew me or my daughter, you would know people who would do more for you than anyone else. But not so much any more. I've cut a number of people loose, and I'll be one person who will be happy to be alone. I could be a hermit, honestly, rather than be around people who want to use, abuse, and backstab people.

Not everyone is your friend. They might smile in your face, while stabbing you in the back, all the while pretending to be your friend. Ring a bell to anyone here?

What about you? What experiences have you had with people whom you thought were friends, but were duplicitous in their behaviors, as in, not being the same person to your face and behind your back?

 

[dademoss]

Been through the storms, almost no one has made it through with me. Friends I can count on one hand. Lots of acquaintances. Almost none will find safe harbor when SHTF.

 

[Weedygarden]

@dademoss , so true. So many people like to have friends, but have no interest or clue how to be one.

Daughter had a "friend" since freshman year in h.s., 25 years. Last summer, daughter included "friend" in a group at a concert. "Friend" was a bully to daughter at the concert and daughter just stopped talking or responding to "friend." Lots of emails and text messages from "friend" trying to rescue this "friendship." Friend has gone through some tough times as a result of a breakup with someone she was engaged to and buying a house with. Daughter had given up many plans to support her "friend" in her loss and sadness but "friend" decided to be a bully in return.

 

[Amish Heart]

I had a friend for years named Tina. I guess we were friends because our daughters were friends, and the girls were young, so we all saw alot of each other. It took me years to end that friendship. She never bullied, but would constantly take advantage, always whining, wanting me to do everything for her. Really, everything. Even asked if I would raise her daughter. I didn't do that, but I did babysit her daughter for a year for free so she could get her finances in order (She was an RN). Well, she never did get her finances in order. Then she started drinking, and was a whiney drunk. Too much. What about relatives? I have decided not to have a relationship with the twins after they turn 18. Calling the police on the grandparents crossed the line. Finding a bag of drugs and a bag of grafitti supplies (black hoodies, gloves, 15 cans of empty spray paint), and hearing more lies being spread has done it for me. 283 more days. But of course, acting sweet as pie around other people. Some people are just too much.

 

[bkt]

I have a bunch of acquaintances - people from work, neighbors and so on - who I get along with really well. I'll help them however I can with preps. But these are not who I would call friends.

My real friends are folks I've known for 20+ years. I've helped raise their kids, and they've helped raise mine. We trust each other - and we know there's nothing we would not do to protect each others' families. The kids (now adults) know and trust each other.

There are only a few folks I'd call friends. That's OK. There's no way I'd want to think I could rely on someone who wouldn't be there for me or mine.

 

[Neb]

Pearl has been talking about someone she considered a friend, only to find out that they are not really her friend.

This happens to be a thread topic I have considered starting for quite a while, and thank you, Pearl, now I am.

Do I have all the answers? No siree! But I do have some experiences, as do all of you.

I have known people whom I considered as friends, when what they really were, were users. If you knew me or my daughter, you would know people who would do more for you than anyone else. But not so much any more. I've cut a number of people loose, and I'll be one person who will be happy to be alone. I could be a hermit, honestly, rather than be around people who want to use, abuse, and backstab people.

Not everyone is your friend. They might smile in your face, while stabbing you in the back, all the while pretending to be your friend. Ring a bell to anyone here?

What about you? What experiences have you had with people whom you thought were friends, but were duplicitous in their behaviors, as in, not being the same person to your face and behind your back?

I can relate. I don't want to dwell on the details. I let them go. Better off without them.

Ben

 

[Magus]

I'm tired of games, two timers, back stabbers and thieves. If I can't trust myself, I need to be dead.
I have me, the noises in my head and 4 cats to worry about.
The only time I see anybody is if I or they need something.
When the world leaves me alone, I can sleep. My dad said:
Trust not the living and tiptoe around the dead."
He had a damn good point. Now I'm a hermit. its peaceful.

 

[elkhound]

I had a friend for years named Tina. I guess we were friends because our daughters were friends, and the girls were young, so we all saw alot of each other. It took me years to end that friendship. She never bullied, but would constantly take advantage, always whining, wanting me to do everything for her. Really, everything. Even asked if I would raise her daughter. I didn't do that, but I did babysit her daughter for a year for free so she could get her finances in order (She was an RN). Well, she never did get her finances in order. Then she started drinking, and was a whiney drunk. Too much. What about relatives? I have decided not to have a relationship with the twins after they turn 18. Calling the police on the grandparents crossed the line. Finding a bag of drugs and a bag of grafitti supplies (black hoodies, gloves, 15 cans of empty spray paint), and hearing more lies being spread has done it for me. 283 more days. But of course, acting sweet as pie around other people. Some people are just too much.

sister shake the dust off your shoes and travel on.

 

[Grimm]

All of my in-laws. K's family sucks! They never seem to remember when you have helped them out when they needed it and would never return the favor. They would rather turn the tables and make you look like the bad guy even though you are willing to give them your last crust of bread rather than see them starve. No contact for us since before Juju was born.

 

[Neb]

All of my in-laws. K's family sucks! They never seem to remember when you have helped them out when they needed it and would never return the favor. They would rather turn the tables and make you look like the bad guy even though you are willing to give them your last crust of bread rather than see them starve. No contact for us since before Juju was born.

There you go!

Getting me all fired up.

I did learn that if an acquaintance referred to a " friend" saying "f()$k em anyway", they have or will say the same about me.

Ben

 

[Bacpacker]

I've cut loose many so called friends over the years. Really have no more than a small handful I would call friends. Several at work are good folks, but I have little to no contact outside work.

 

[Wingnut]

I can count my true friends on the fingers of one hand, not counting the thumb, lol. These are trusted & reliable friends, the kind who've helped me time and time again, not only with their wisdom and sage advice, but also with physical help, to include short term loans and whatnot. Y'all ever hear that country song? I don't know the exact title, but the lyrics go: "You find out who your friends are..." And ain't that the truth? Tom T. Hall sings a similar line in his 'Watermelon Wine' tune, that's a C&W classic. Johnny Cash mentions such fake "friends" in more than one tune...

Bacpacker, I was a hard man in my younger days, and I made hard choices, drop-kicking meth heads and thieves off my property like I was STARRIN' in the N-F-L, lol. Usually the BS would build up to a point where I drew that hard line, as old school ties would keep me from going off right away in certain cases. But there comes a time when ya realize that this person is not really your "friend"---just some user out to milk ya for all you're worth, aye? That's when the hammer comes down, boy... and it usually ain't pretty, lol. But it has to be done... end of story.

However, I have learned the value & benefits of forgiveness for those who are truly sincere in their apologies... and I'm willing to accommodate such individuals, but as the years go by this happens less often. There's an attrition rate in life, you understand, and half my high school class (CHS, '79) is already dead. That means that some issues & scraps went unresolved after the other party died... perhaps they'll forgive me from the "other side." Perhaps they'll curse my name, and so be it... I've been called a hardheaded b@stard before, but true friends know they can count on me till the end.

 

[Bacpacker]

I can count my true friends on the fingers of one hand, not counting the thumb, lol. These are trusted & reliable friends, the kind who've helped me time and time again, not only with their wisdom and sage advice, but also with physical help, to include short term loans and whatnot. Y'all ever hear that country song? I don't know the exact title, but the lyrics go: "You find out who your friends are..." And ain't that the truth? Tom T. Hall sings a similar line in his 'Watermelon Wine' tune, that's a C&W classic. Johnny Cash mentions such fake "friends" in more than one tune...

Bacpacker, I was a hard man in my younger days, and I made hard choices, drop-kicking meth heads and thieves off my property like I was STARRIN' in the N-F-L, lol. Usually the BS would build up to a point where I drew that hard line, as old school ties would keep me from going off right away in certain cases. But there comes a time when ya realize that this person is not really your "friend"---just some user out to milk ya for all you're worth, aye? That's when the hammer comes down, boy... and it usually ain't pretty, lol. But it has to be done... end of story.

However, I have learned the value & benefits of forgiveness for those who are truly sincere in their apologies... and I'm willing to accommodate such individuals, but as the years go by this happens less often. There's an attrition rate in life, you understand, and half my high school class (CHS, '79) is already dead. That means that some issues & scraps went unresolved after the other party died... perhaps they'll forgive me from the "other side." Perhaps they'll curse my name, and so be it... I've been called a hardheaded b@stard before, but true friends know they can count on me till the end.

I'm a year older than you (78' CHS as well). Around half my class was dead last I heard. Several didn't surprise me, but several others I was shocked to find out. But I have no real friends from back then. I'll give anybody a chance I have a good feeling about, maybe a little more if someone I know is worthwhile speaks up for them. But screw me once and it's over. I don't have time nor patience for getting screwed over.

 

[Morgan101]

I said it before in Pearl's thread and I will say it again here. "Friend" has to be the most overused and misused word in the dictionary. I have been disappointed in the past by people who I, foolishly, thought were friends. Now I expect nothing. I try to tell my wife that most people really aren't friends. They are acquaintences at best, and you shouldn't expect anything from them. I'm sure we could all tell horror stories. I know I could, and I won't bore you with them. Suffice it to say don't get your hopes up or expect too much, and you won't be disappointed.

Weedy, I feel exactly the same way. I could be a hermit quite easily. I don't need other people, and could be perfectly happy alone.

 

[Pearl]

Well Weedy, this came along at a great time!! I was approached today by my "friend", like nothing ever happened! She NEEDS help, call your good for nothing daughter!! I worked for this woman for a long time, helped her in many ways!! She plucked herself!! I'm learning that she has no friends!! I know I have 2 "true" friends!! My dear friend Mary, and my hubby! No matter what water goes under the bridge, at the end of every day, first and foremost, hubby and I are friends! Above all else!! Mary and I go back forever, and even though we are many miles apart, we are there!!

 

[Weedygarden]

She plucked herself!!

Someone used this term in the thread where you told about your "friend" and I love it! We all know what it means, but it is cleaner than what it means. Similar to using the term carp instead of the other term.

I have had "friends" who really had no clue about me and my life. No interest in me, only what I could do for them. Real friends are silver and gold, and the fake friends are just that, fake, users, abusers, hangers on. I know that I often care more for people than they care for me. I'm learning. So is daughter. We know someone, a former neighbor of hers, who is a lot of fun, but very OCD. She is so controlling. Daughter has decided she cannot see her often. Daughter can be anyone's friend, and truly is a blessing to anyone she meets, very young to very old. But friendship works both ways.

A former colleague asked me to go to a village in Mexico to help her for three months to set up an after school Montessori program. She wanted my skills and expertise and to be her servant. Do you know what I said? Not a word. No response. She sent an email to me and a while later a PM. Do you know why I didn't respond? Because I went to visit her and she had a to do list for me. There are other things that have happened. I'm not going to buy a ticket, pay for a place to stay and be someone's servant. Not a chance. This was a woman whom a weekend getaway was planned and she had to control everything--where we went, what we did, where we ate. And in the process, was very cruel to one of the people who went along. Nope, not going anywhere with a bully again and not paying to be a servant.

 

[Magus]

All me.

Looks like a chicken, pluck em.

 

[UrbanHunter]

I don't know.
I have been burned a bunch of times.
I try to be polite to those I come in contact with and try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
I don't care for people who talk to me about other people because they will do the same about me when I am not around.
Locked doors and high fences make the best neighbors.
I have been taught that there are very few people who you can depend on in a pinch, so I learn to do as much for myself as I can.

All that being said, having charity, giving without expecting anything in return is the path I would rather take.
I don't believe in lending, because that has never worked for me. If I can afford it a gift is always a better solution from my perspective.
I don't believe in borrowing, I hate to feel indebted or obligated.

As far a people using me, it's usually 1 and done, no second chances, no hard feelings, just no thank you.

 

[Pearl]

All me.

Looks like a chicken, pluck em.

I use that term a lot now, thanks!! Really a shocker when used face to face!!

 

[Morgan101]

I don't know.
I have been burned a bunch of times.
I try to be polite to those I come in contact with and try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
I don't care for people who talk to me about other people because they will do the same about me when I am not around.
Locked doors and high fences make the best neighbors.
I have been taught that there are very few people who you can depend on in a pinch, so I learn to do as much for myself as I can.

All that being said, having charity, giving without expecting anything in return is the path I would rather take.
I don't believe in lending, because that has never worked for me. If I can afford it a gift is always a better solution from my perspective.
I don't believe in borrowing, I hate to feel indebted or obligated.

As far a people using me, it's usually 1 and done, no second chances, no hard feelings, just no thank you.

I completely agree. I try to always be polite, and cordial. I am "friendly" with everybody. I just don't consider them friends, and expect nothing from them other than the same common courtesy.

 

[montanabill]

I had a friend for years named Tina. I guess we were friends because our daughters were friends, and the girls were young, so we all saw alot of each other. It took me years to end that friendship. She never bullied, but would constantly take advantage, always whining, wanting me to do everything for her. Really, everything. Even asked if I would raise her daughter. I didn't do that, but I did babysit her daughter for a year for free so she could get her finances in order (She was an RN). Well, she never did get her finances in order. Then she started drinking, and was a whiney drunk. Too much. What about relatives? I have decided not to have a relationship with the twins after they turn 18. Calling the police on the grandparents crossed the line. Finding a bag of drugs and a bag of grafitti supplies (black hoodies, gloves, 15 cans of empty spray paint), and hearing more lies being spread has done it for me. 283 more days. But of course, acting sweet as pie around other people. Some people are just too much.

Having an adult person who fakes friendship for their own gain is one thing.....Raising kids who needed a place to be who then turn out to be liars and thieves crosses into another level of deep heart pain.
Knowing at what point to say so long and the door will be locked behind you is tough but necessary. There will be other kids who need help.
In the fast approaching hard times the real skill will be sorting out the fake people from the trustworthy.

 

[Wingnut]

Urban Hunter, an old guy in Show Low once told me that acreage is your best neighbor! He and his wife bought 80 acres in the boondocks, then he built a home in the center of that land so he wouldn't have to deal with any neighbors, lol. I thought that was hilarious...

 

[Bacpacker]

Urban Hunter, an old guy in Show Low once told me that acreage is your best neighbor! He and his wife bought 80 acres in the boondocks, then he built a home in the center of that land so he wouldn't have to deal with any neighbors, lol. I thought that was hilarious...

But very smart.
Personally I'd like to have 100 to 500 mostly wooded acres layer as a square. Then my little homestead right in the middle

 

[Gigi Vano]

My circle is miniscule. As a teen, I dated a guy who controlled every aspect of my life and I lost all but 1 who I considered friends. I never bothered to establish friendships since. And I am cool with that. I am friendly and helpful and have many acquaintances, but only a few I allow to know much about me. Also, I loathe drama, which I find too many women create, and try to avoid it like the plague!

 

[Morgan101]

But very smart.
Personally I'd like to have 100 to 500 mostly wooded acres layer as a square. Then my little homestead right in the middle

My sentiments exactly, but it was never going to happen with my wife. She always has to be in the middle of things. Someday maybe. It is still on a bucket list.

 

[Magus]

I use that term a lot now, thanks!! Really a shocker when used face to face!!

I have a new saying I made up just for you Pearl:
Those who associate with fowl people, often get plucked.

 

[Pearl]

I have a new saying I made up just for you Pearl:
Those who associate with fowl people, often get plucked.

That's a true statement!! Thanks, I'll be using it!!

 

[Magus]

Only for you Pearl!

 

[Dani]

I have a lot of people I know that I talk to, but I have few "friends" and by the term friend, I do mean someone I can actually pour my heart out to and no judgements made. I got a couple I actually fully trust besides my Hunny.

 

[elkhound]

(Ecclesiasticus)Sirach 6:5-17​

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Revised Standard Version​

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Friendship, False and True​

5 A pleasant voice multiplies friends,
and a gracious tongue multiplies courtesies.
6 Let those that are at peace with you be many,
but let your advisers be one in a thousand.
7 When you gain a friend, gain him through testing,
and do not trust him hastily.
8 For there is a friend who is such at his own convenience,
but will not stand by you in your day of trouble.
9 And there is a friend who changes into an enemy,
and will disclose a quarrel to your disgrace.
10 And there is a friend who is a table companion,
but will not stand by you in your day of trouble.
11 In your prosperity he will make himself your equal,
and be bold with your servants;
12 but if you are brought low he will turn against you,
and will hide himself from your presence.
13 Keep yourself far from your enemies,
and be on guard toward your friends.

14 A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter:
he that has found one has found a treasure.
15 There is nothing so precious as a faithful friend,
and no scales can measure his excellence.
16 A faithful friend is an elixir of life;
and those who fear the Lord will find him.
17 Whoever fears the Lord directs his friendship aright,
for as he is, so is his neighbor also.