Thoughts On Aging ,Care Living Situations

[Caribou]

I just went through this thread, again. It has become more relevant as I just moved in with Mom to care for her. She has just started down the dementia road and requires a babysitter. The goal is to keep her in her own home for as long as possible. My SIL has moved in also. I'm glad I don't have to do this alone.

 

[Meerkat]

My mom is in a retirement community, a very nice one. They have three buildings of Independent Living, two of Assisted Living, one of Memory Care (Alzheimers, etc.), and one for Rehab (a temporary place that covers normal rehab after surgeries, etc., and also permanent "nursing home" type care). Now that she is in Memory Care, the definition of "nice" changes a little bit. It is about as nice as it can be for a place where you are locked in, but honestly, nobody really wants to live in a Memory Care facility. Declining due to dementia is not the way anyone plans, or wants to end their life. I have no experience with the Assisted Living or Rehab buildings other than guided tours to see what they are like - my mom went straight from Independent Living to Memory Care. While in Independent Living they had fantastic food. Excellent chefs. Menus that rivaled the finest restaurants. Beautiful decor. Lots of activities - ranging from in house concerts, games, parties, etc. to international travel. They would go on Christmas shopping trips to Europe. Cruise ships. Trips all over the US. On all trips they are waited on hand and foot. A lot of that came to a screeching halt with coronavirus however. They do nice day and simple overnight excursions from Memory Care as well, but since mom moved there in the middle of coronavirus they have had those on hold.

Such living accommodations don't come cheap. But if you saved yourself a nestegg, in your elderly years is when you are supposed to be spending it.

Thats all good Haitig but now in pandemicville you can be locked inside with no telling who is caring for you.And let me tell you these people don't exactly make good money.Plus some have an attitude especially for us white slave owners or conservaive close border advacates.
Not many people like us now a days. And who we gonna tell if they hurt us?

We have thought aand discused it all. Can't even have visitors now.

 

[Meerkat]

I wonder if they have reduced rates for "long term" stays. Just an hour of "assisted living" can cost over $250.00. At that rate it will cost you $42000.00 per week. Lots of luck with that...

Also I read in some situations hospitals and doctors can goback FIVE years and in SOME cases attach leins on your family members inheritance because you gave them the money when you owed medical bills!

 

[Meerkat]

Friends of mine dropped over for a visit. They were talking about getting three retired couples to buy a 4-plex. Give free rent to a young couple to take care of us. I think there would be a lot to work out but it would be doable.

I think this would be a doable plan long as the couple had good refernences and understood the work and care involved.

I don't see many young or old changing our diapers if need be. My siisrr was a home care nurse and it could get down and dirty but she was able to handle it,not all people can. So contract has to be vry specific.

 

[Meerkat]

You're probably right. There may also have to be room for two care giver families so as to give each a respite or you would have burnout and no coverage for turnover.

Plus a decent paycheck for the kinds of demands on the care givers.

 

[Grimm]

I am glad this thread was started. My folks are in their early 70s and both have some health issues. Dad is losing mobility mostly from a car accident that happened almost 20 years ago (damn drunk college kid going home from a rave in the desert). Mom has a pacemaker which I am not happy about! The day will come when they can no longer take care of themselves or each other and I will be forced to make hard decisions that will receive a tantrum from my father at the very least. I refuse to put either in a home for any reason. But I also refuse to move in with them to care for them. I know I will have to put down my foot to get them to move here to care for them. I rather not move back to the metro areas to care for them either.

Whatever our older forum members chose to do when they reach that point where they need help please consider your children and their families when throwing those old folk tantrums. My dad plans to inconvenience my family and uproot my kids from a community they love so I can take care of him rather than coming to live with us. The only reason I would consider moving in with them is if my mom were having issues with her pacemaker and my dad had passed. She lives near the cardiologists that are handling her heart concerns.

Whippersnapper rant off

 

[Haertig]

Thats all good Haitig but now in pandemicville you can be locked inside with no telling who is caring for you.And let me tell you these people don't exactly make good money.Plus some have an attitude especially for us white slave owners or conservaive close border advacates.
Not many people like us now a days. And who we gonna tell if they hurt us?

That's why you stay in the nicest, highest-end place you can afford. And check them out thoroughly before you move in. And keep in touch with your loved ones while the pandemic keeps you from visiting. Personally, I have remote access to cameras and audio devices in my moms room. We do private zoom video chats three times a week. And I go for a "patio visit" every week or two. Patio visits are allowed here now - you are outside in the facilities courtyard, sitting eight feet apart separated by tables, wearing masks. There's a rigmarole you have to go through each visit - temp checks, fill in forms, signed declarations, be escorted by staff, etc. But at least you can physically be with your loved one now, albeit from a bit of a distance. And this is all outdoors - no indoor visitation allowed around here yet. They have a big overhead cover set up - looks like a wedding tent - so you don't have to worry about rain or hot sun. No touching, obviously. No food. No delivery of items (that has to follow the normal route via the staff - everything is inspected for appropriateness for the resident, e.g., no scissors or stuff like that)

I imagine there are probably more family-elderly abuse situations than facility-elderly abuse situations. Just guessing on that one, but it's probably true. Abuse can happen anywhere.

 

[MoBookworm1957]

I am glad this thread was started. My folks are in their early 70s and both have some health issues. Dad is losing mobility mostly from a car accident that happened almost 20 years ago (damn drunk college kid going home from a rave in the desert). Mom has a pacemaker which I am not happy about! The day will come when they can no longer take care of themselves or each other and I will be forced to make hard decisions that will receive a tantrum from my father at the very least. I refuse to put either in a home for any reason. But I also refuse to move in with them to care for them. I know I will have to put down my foot to get them to move here to care for them. I rather not move back to the metro areas to care for them either.

Whatever our older forum members chose to do when they reach that point where they need help please consider your children and their families when throwing those old folk tantrums. My dad plans to inconvenience my family and uproot my kids from a community they love so I can take care of him rather than coming to live with us. The only reason I would consider moving in with them is if my mom were having issues with her pacemaker and my dad had passed. She lives near the cardiologists that are handling her heart concerns.

Whippersnapper rant off

You're not lone in whippersnapper rant right at the moment.

 

[Meerkat]

That's why you stay in the nicest, highest-end place you can afford. And check them out thoroughly before you move in. And keep in touch with your loved ones while the pandemic keeps you from visiting. Personally, I have remote access to cameras and audio devices in my moms room. We do private zoom video chats three times a week. And I go for a "patio visit" every week or two. Patio visits are allowed here now - you are outside in the facilities courtyard, sitting eight feet apart separated by tables, wearing masks. There's a rigmarole you have to go through each visit - temp checks, fill in forms, signed declarations, be escorted by staff, etc. But at least you can physically be with your loved one now, albeit from a bit of a distance. And this is all outdoors - no indoor visitation allowed around here yet. They have a big overhead cover set up - looks like a wedding tent - so you don't have to worry about rain or hot sun. No touching, obviously. No food. No delivery of items (that has to follow the normal route via the staff - everything is inspected for appropriateness for the resident, e.g., no scissors or stuff like that)

I imagine there are probably more family-elderly abuse situations than facility-elderly abuse situations. Just guessing on that one, but it's probably true. Abuse can happen anywhere.

Family abuse does happen I'm sure but I really don't think its that often as in care of strangers.
Also most of us can't afford the nice places especially now with somany out of work.

I still think setting up as comfortable prwps as possible may be helpful and maybe a co-op ?I don't know though I'm just researching and so far no answers.

 

[Haertig]

I refuse to put either in a home for any reason.

There may come a time when you realize that you are not the best caregiver for them. You could actually be harming them by being their caretaker (probably mentally more than physically, but possibly physically too). This happens frequently, though not in every case. It is sad when a relative is not the best caregiver, but doesn't realize or admit it. It is sometimes difficult, but necessary, to make decisions based on what is truly best for the elderly person, not based on the relative caregivers thoughts, desires for themselves, feelings of guilt, etc.

My dad plans to inconvenience my family and uproot my kids from a community they love so I can take care of him rather than coming to live with us. The only reason I would consider moving in with them...

I hate to say it, but it sounds like there is already some animosity there, and you haven't even started taking care of them yet. Be sure to consider your family's well being alongside your parents well being when deciding how to best care for them. It's tough, I can tell you that. I cried many times when I was working through it. I absolutely hate my mom being in Memory Care. However, it is the best place for her. By far. Her life if here in my home, even with me doing everything in my power to support and help her, would be orders of magnitude worse than where she is now.

 

[Amish Heart]

We tried having mom live with us, and after 4 months she wanted to move out to Mennonite Manor. She is medium on the dementia scale. Has a very nice 1 bedroom apt, has her laundry done, meds brought to her, can write out her grocery list or go to the little store on site, gets her hair done weekly on site, and a doctor and PA that know her are on site. She likes to eat junk food and watch tv till all hours so that didn't go over well in our house. And she's an eternal feminist, and hates that I take care of my husband.
Husband and I have decided that we would hire a caretaker to live with us if one of us can't help the other. No homes.

 

[Meerkat]

There may come a time when you realize that you are not the best caregiver for them. You could actually be harming them by being their caretaker (probably mentally more than physically, but possibly physically too). This happens frequently, though not in every case. It is sad when a relative is not the best caregiver, but doesn't realize or admit it. It is sometimes difficult, but necessary, to make decisions based on what is truly best for the elderly person, not based on the relative caregivers thoughts, desires for themselves, feelings of guilt, etc.

I hate to say it, but it sounds like there is already some animosity there, and you haven't even started taking care of them yet. Be sure to consider your family's well being alongside your parents well being when deciding how to best care for them. It's tough, I can tell you that. I cried many times when I was working through it. I absolutely hate my mom being in Memory Care. However, it is the best place for her. By far. Her life if here in my home, even with me doing everything in my power to support and help her, would be orders of magnitude worse than where she is now.

Not all of us are able to care for our parents its just not possible.Then there are some of us who have unresolved issues and that may not be a good situation either.
No way should those who aren't able for whatever reason should feel bad.Most do what they can I'm sure .Then many are raising their grandkids plus trying to work and survive too and that makes things harder.

 

[Caribou]

Mom and her siblings had their mother put in a care facility. She was literally clawing at the doorjamb trying to stay in her home. She had become so demanding that they were no longer able to meet her needs.

My cousin has moved into my aunt's home so she can stay at home and my SIL and I are here with Mom. Neither my aunt nor my mother want us in their home. If they get too problematic the decision to move them out ill be terrible, for everyone.

 

[Meerkat]

Took video off,no sense in seeing that again.

 

[Meerkat]

Even worse is this one,old peopel are afriad to tell on them because they are threatened.

 

[ClemKadiddlehopper]

I hope that I will recognize when the time is right, and go out on a cold night looking at the stars.

 

[Meerkat]

This is probably very rare but does make us want to further investigate what to do now for later. No sense in thinking about anything foolish just try to do best and plan. We are doing that since I put up this post but got off subject for awhile. Ironiic because of illness kept us busy,

 

[Supervisor42]

I hope that I will recognize when the time is right, and go out on a cold night looking at the stars.

They have an app for that now:

I feel so sorry for those trapped in daily torture for years with no access to the "Exit Door".
We are more humane to even our pets than that .

 

[Grimm]

There may come a time when you realize that you are not the best caregiver for them. You could actually be harming them by being their caretaker (probably mentally more than physically, but possibly physically too). This happens frequently, though not in every case. It is sad when a relative is not the best caregiver, but doesn't realize or admit it. It is sometimes difficult, but necessary, to make decisions based on what is truly best for the elderly person, not based on the relative caregivers thoughts, desires for themselves, feelings of guilt, etc.

I hate to say it, but it sounds like there is already some animosity there, and you haven't even started taking care of them yet. Be sure to consider your family's well being alongside your parents well being when deciding how to best care for them. It's tough, I can tell you that. I cried many times when I was working through it. I absolutely hate my mom being in Memory Care. However, it is the best place for her. By far. Her life if here in my home, even with me doing everything in my power to support and help her, would be orders of magnitude worse than where she is now.

I will not put them in a home but I have no problem with in home care. I watched my grandmother go from a spunky active little old lady to a giggling whiny 4 year old within months of being put in a home by my aunt. She was in the home less than a year before she died and she was healthy before she went in. I can't do that to my parents.

My dad has made it very clear he refuses to go into a home and has his trust set up to provide home care should he need it. We tease each other about how he changed my diapers when I was a baby and I'll be changing his as an old man.

 

[Meerkat]

They have an app for that now:

I feel so sorry for those trapped in daily torture for years with no access to the "Exit Door".
We are more humane to even our pets than that .

Its not all like that SuperV but now is the time to plan for us to hopefully avoid the problem.
I'm not trying to depress or scare anyone here just to show people how important it is to plan as best you can. Most of us won't just drop dead ,most people live for awhile and need care. And suicide is not the answer IMO. For those who beleive we think the wagees of sin is death . We did not give ourselves life and we can't take our life that ws givein,Or just the way I think and could be wrong,

 

[Caribou]

I hope that I will recognize when the time is right, and go out on a cold night looking at the stars.

Dad worked a full day at the marina and had a stroke the next morning getting out of bed. Mom is in a situation where she shouldn't be making major decisions. The problem is she isn't aware. Her awareness will never increase. Good luck Clem.

 

[Meerkat]

Dad worked a full day at the marina and had a stroke the next morning getting out of bed. Mom is in a situation where she shouldn't be making major decisions. The problem is she isn't aware. Her awareness will never increase. Good luck Clem.

When was this Car?

 

[Meerkat]

we have a life of negatives aand positives like a battery, and maybe if we prepare for the negarive instead of hiding from it we can make it as positive as posible under the circumstances?

I have reserached on my own mostly,Hubby is not into thinking about any of this. But i'd rather do whatevrr we can to make the transition into late life easier.

I have checked on these commune types and not liked most of them or any of them but now thinking about it again.
I wouldn't want to live with younger people they already know everything without any of lifes expriances.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/communes-may-be-the-new-retirement-home_n_55e47693e4b0b7a963399447
And while nobody is really envisioning the modern commune to be a live-off-the-land or smoke-weed-all-day sort of place, the social contract of helping one another and companionship is a common thread. AARP always cautions to be mindful of the three C’s of aging: companionship, caregiving and costs. And in the case of living on a commune, it’s a Trifecta win.

 

[Caribou]

When was this Car?

Dad, 14 months ago. Mom, ongoing.

 

[iknownothing]

What timing, I am currently going through this with my father. My "stepbrother " passed away in July. I called him my stepbrother because he was the son of my dad's 3rd wife although dad never adopted him. His death was very sudden and has thrown me into the middle of a kind of chaos. I dropped my life and moved in next door and it's been difficult but rather me than my sister or little brother. He's decided to be buried when he goes in the military cemetery not next to his last wife and my stepbrother. Doesn't want to make prior arrangements, did finally let me take care of his money. It's been a difficult time. I won't put him in a nursing home like my sister wanted, he put his father in one and regretted it.

 

[Meerkat]

What timing, I am currently going through this with my father. My "stepbrother " passed away in July. I called him my stepbrother because he was the son of my dad's 3rd wife although dad never adopted him. His death was very sudden and has thrown me into the middle of a kind of chaos. I dropped my life and moved in next door and it's been difficult but rather me than my sister or little brother. He's decided to be buried when he goes in the military cemetery not next to his last wife and my stepbrother. Doesn't want to make prior arrangements, did finally let me take care of his money. It's been a difficult time. I won't put him in a nursing home like my sister wanted, he put his father in one and regretted it.

Wish you luck and these are hard decisions to make. Peoplw are living longer today and that can be hard on those who are elderly themmselves and can't possibly care for their parents. Some can hire inhouse care but that cost alot and needs supervision or keeping a watch on too.now and then.

 

[Meerkat]

Bringing this back up for later discussion.

 

[Amish Heart]

Well we tried having mom live with us, but she doesn't like our lifestyle. She is happy in her assisted living apartment. They come in a few times a day, but otherwise don't bug her. It's a real pretty one bedroom with a full kitchen and nice family room. She's pretty full of herself, though. I picked her up today to do some shopping. She was getting into the truck, walking past her patio, and said, "I guess I have the most beautiful patio with all my lovely plants". People stop from all over just to look at it".

 

[Meerkat]

Well we tried having mom live with us, but she doesn't like our lifestyle. She is happy in her assisted living apartment. They come in a few times a day, but otherwise don't bug her. It's a real pretty one bedroom with a full kitchen and nice family room. She's pretty full of herself, though. I picked her up today to do some shopping. She was getting into the truck, walking past her patio, and said, "I guess I have the most beautiful patio with all my lovely plants". People stop from all over just to look at it".

Well Amish she seems to have a done a good job raising you so she did something right.It took me 3 years of reaching for the phone to call mama after she passed. Yet we didn't get along half the time but I sure do miss her.

 

[Grimm]

Funny how these types of posts seem to effect our lives. During the evac period I got into a fight with my Dad about their trust. I don't have any issues about how or what is written I just want one right as the beneficiary- The right to have a say in the maintenance of their estate. Before the trustee made 100% of the maintenance decisions and that included color and material choices for the up keep of the house. But that means it would be like living in a rental with no say in paint colors or roofing materials when repairs are made. I had to explain to my dad that allowing me to have a say would make it more than likely we would move into the house if we ever needed to/wanted to. That is all he wants is for us to use and live in the house.