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Glad2bealive

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Hello, looking for advice on a future issue. Waiting for kids to reach 18 then we are calling it quits. My other half lives and thinks we should live above our means without lifting a hand but complains about everything, I don’t see it getting any better and there is a lot of anger. Love fades and grows weak. I want country she wants city. I am expecting this will be ugly money wise but will do what I need to and pay my fair share.
I work a lot of OT so where can I put that money where it’s untouchable? One we are done I will be moving farther into the woods. I want land in the country that I can homestead on.Only issue I am afraid it will come up in divorce and it might be a tool for her against me. I would hate to spend all this time and money to have it takin away from me. What choices or things can I do or buy in the next few years to prepare that will not be contested? Kinda of under the radar.
 
Glad2bealive said:
Hello, looking for advice on a future issue. Waiting for kids to reach 18 then we are calling it quits. My other half lives and thinks we should live above our means without lifting a hand but complains about everything, I don’t see it getting any better and there is a lot of anger. Love fades and grows weak. I want country she wants city. I am expecting this will be ugly money wise but will do what I need to and pay my fair share.
I work a lot of OT so where can I put that money where it’s untouchable? One we are done I will be moving farther into the woods. I want land in the country that I can homestead on.Only issue I am afraid it will come up in divorce and it might be a tool for her against me. I would hate to spend all this time and money to have it takin away from me. What choices or things can I do or buy in the next few years to prepare that will not be contested? Kinda of under the radar.
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No sense waiting - doesn't make it any easier on the kids. Cash in hiding is the only thing that isn't divvied up.

I'd like to say, "Welcome." I hope whatever you have in front of you rolls around from grief to joy.
 
Anything she knows about can be contested. And if she finds stuff you're hiding, it makes you look bad in front of the judge.

Spend your money on a mean ass lawyer. Somebody so nasty that you're going to start feeling sorry for your ex when he gets through with her. And then fight like a cornered badger in court. That's probably the only way you're not going to end up taking it in the shorts. Good luck...
 
Spikedriver said:
Anything she knows about can be contested. And if she finds stuff you're hiding, it makes you look bad in front of the judge.

Spend your money on a mean ass lawyer. Somebody so nasty that you're going to start feeling sorry for your ex when he gets through with her. And then fight like a cornered badger in court. That's probably the only way you're not going to end up taking it in the shorts. Good luck...
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Been there done that, just no kids. Sound advice from Spikedriver. And I'd do it sooner than later. Kids are gonna get hurt whenever it happens.
 
Welcome!
This is a common thing, to wait until the children are 18. I wouldn't. I'd get it over with now. I relate to parts of your story, her wanting to live in town, and living beyond your means. I believe that there is often one spouse who is a spender and another who is more reasonable about living within their means. My ex always wanted the best of everything, while I tend to be more frugal. Marriage counseling has helped some people, but not all can be helped. People want what they want. I know too many stories of people who have huge debt and own nothing at the end of their lives. We cannot take anything with us, but I'd prefer to leave something to take care of my estate, rather than a huge debt. I know people who are in debt for more than $50,000 with no property to their name.
 
I received some advise and followed it to a good end.

Call a law firm and asked the receptionist to recommend a lawyer not associated with the firm you called. Repeat with another firm. Then make your choice.

Then put the lawyer on a retainer so you can call any time for advise. Ask how if possible to shelter any money you can save.

If it goes like my divorce you will be put on the stand and questioned about any and every asset you have. You don't want to plan to lie.

When I was being questioned, her lawyer was looking for any retirement I may have had asking...

"Are you vested in a retirement?"

I had no idea what being vested meant and could not answer saying "I don't know what being vested means."

The judge being tired of the questioning interrupted and said to me...

"Vested, you are vested. You are wearing a vest as part of your tgree piece suit."

That was end of the vesting question.

Change your beneficiaries tou have for life insurance or retirement now.

But get a lawyer and do exactly what they say.

As a general rule, all lawyers are slime balls except yours.

Ben
 
backlash said:
Your kids know what's happening. You can't hide it from older kids so just pull the pin and get it done now.
If you hide assets you probably will get caught and that will not go well for you.
Do NOT take legal or medical advice from people on the internet.
Get a lawyer NOW.
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That's a good bit of internet advice, Backlash. :)
 
I think we all accept "get a lawyer" as a wise step if a challenge involves the legal system.
 
Glad2bealive said:
My other half lives and thinks we should live above our means without lifting a hand but complains about everything
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That^^^ should tell you everything you need to know.

Sounds like she'd try to screw you over every way possible, just so she can live above YOUR means, then complain it isn't enough. IOW, if you do divorce and she takes everything including child & spousal support..and, and, and.......you'll be working 2 jobs with overtime, just to keep up and you'll never be able to move to the woods.

But I really have no idea what the laws in your state are so like many have already said......get a lawyer NOW before you make any decision or move. Find out what you need to know from a professional......then make your own decision of if or when to follow thru.
 
Get the attorney, now. If you insist on stashing cash, pay off as many accounts as possible, the day before the hearing, and then close the accounts. You might even pay bills ahead, if you have enough.
 
paying off the attorney is going to take a bit of dough.
 
I have no experience with it personally, but there are many here who do. I would second their recommendations, and get the best junkyard dog lawyer you can find, and listen to their advice.

Good luck. I hope it all works out for you, and welcome to the forum. I don't think your intro is one we have seen before.
 
Glad2bealive said:
...Waiting for kids to reach 18 then we are calling it quits. ...
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How old are your children now? If they are not aware of the situation then I'd wait until they are 18 too.

"We" are calling it quits. Does the "we" mean she is in agreement to wait until the children are 18?

Side note. Co-worker was previously divorced. He was ordered to pay $X towards medicare care for their children , which he did. Ex-wife remarried and put their children on her new husband's work medical. Told her Ex that he didn't need to provide any further medical $upport, so he stopped. Years later she's on husband #3 and he she needed more money to support her life style. She went back to court and sued her first husband (my co-worker) for the years he hadn't paid medical support (she denied her verbal agreement). She won. PUT IT IN WRITING WHICH IS SIGNED BY BOTH PARTIES.

Another side note. Antique valuable pitcher that has been past down generations to generations. Something happen to the pitcher and the handle was broken. It was a clean break and you was able to fix it with some glue. If you didn't know the handle had been broken you wouldn't know it. Pitcher still holds water, all is good. Just like a marriage. Things are said, misunderstandings but because of your love for each other your marriage is "fixed" and you both continue together. But if the pitcher is dropped and shatter, no amount of caring or trying will enable that pitcher to hold water again. Sometimes marriages are shattered too and no amount of counseling, caring or apologies will enable that marriage to ever hold love again.
 
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Thanks everyone. I can put up with it till my middle child reaches 18 then there is only 1 left that can weather the storm. My middle child now is involved with many town things that require us to live here and I can’t afford this place on my own and pay whatever the courts deem necessary. Hopefully we can work out an agreement that doesn’t leave me with nothing but will look into lawyer.
I guess my plan is how can I spend money now that benefits me in future without having to give it up. For instance I am building an RV. Should I buy a tractor, greenhouse and any tools needed now that I would need in future? I plan to excel in physical fitness, gardening knowledge and overall survival skills along with my children so they may benefit and gain an idea of these areas. Hopefully this will show my love for them and build a closer connection that can survive the storm coming.
Thanks everyone and I hope to learn as much as I can.
 
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I would say consult with your attorney. I thought that all property would be evenly divided, but there will be things of hers in which you have no interest and vice versa. I would ask the attorney how the property settlement would work. Will you have to compensate her for property you want to keep? Is there enough property so that you can both amicably keep what you want and it is fair? My gut says buy the things that you want now. You probably won't have much money when it is all over.
 
Relationships are based on trust and respect. If one or both of those are missing there is no relationship.
Now ask each other if you are trusted. Then if you are respected. Those two questions can guide your decision to continue or leave.
 
One other thing to consider. Not sure how to phrase it, but how will timebwith kids be divided. Is it 50 50 or will you only get weekends, etc. If its an even split and I mean EVEN 50 50. Child support should be even as well. Also unsure of what state you are in so I'm sure that could have a big effect. Lawyer up and figure things out while you have options now. If not you may not have options later
 
Bacpacker said:
One other thing to consider. Not sure how to phrase it, but how will timebwith kids be divided. Is it 50 50 or will you only get weekends, etc. If its an even split and I mean EVEN 50 50. Child support should be even as well. Also unsure of what state you are in so I'm sure that could have a big effect. Lawyer up and figure things out while you have options now. If not you may not have options later
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That would have been nice.

In my case I won full custody of my son and my X had every other weekend visitation. I sued her for child support and she sued me back. The judge did the math taking into consideration the difference in our incomes... I ended up having to pay her $500 a month.

Ben
 
If you involve a lawyer the lawyer wins, Perhaps you should just stop working overtime and let the chips fall where they may. Lawyers and politicians got us into this mess, all of it. thinking a Lawyer will do much for you is kind of a mess.

One thing you do NEED to do is make you keep sakes and emotional treasures disappear, as well as make sure you have copies of pictures etc. When things get petty, people go for the heart.

If at all possible try to work things out amicably, even if you have to give on a few points. outsiders will mess things up beyond belief.

Also plan on renting or leasing until the last child is an adult.
 
What is the most important thing in your life right now? It should be your kids. The one thing most valuable to your kids is the time you spend with them. We have middle aged kids off on their own and are raising a teenager who is starting to launch. Best thing we ever did was save a kid from his meth head birth mother and spend all our money on getting him and his two brothers safe.
If I had it do over again I would have worked less and spent more time with him doing simple things that he could learn.
If you can live cheaper and it would be better for your kids (sports and lessons are not required in my world for kids) my advice is to stop working overtime and claim bad back or sore feet or something.
She will have a lawyer so you better find a shyster lawyer and if you can find out if she is having an affair in some states that will help your case a lot.
If you try to hide cash or assets you can get screwed over for years and years later.
My divorce ended with me being pissed but i gave here all the shiny things and started taking Karate and doing a lot of sparring. Then after dating (which when you are middle aged is really weird) I met the love of my life and moved on at 46 years old. We did fun things and moved to montana and did the place in the woods thing and now at 72 we are doing some really fun things.
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Having been through a divorce with small children in 2005 - and having an abusive ex husband who did everything he could to keep money from me and the kids, and also being a paralegal in family law and child support in a former life before medicine - here is what I learned.
Lawyer up early. A male's rights one would be best. Depending on the state you live in, this is a huge issue believe it or not.

Establish your own bank account now and start splitting finances - have your check direct deposited into your own personal account. Take half of your cash and put it in there. Leave the other half for her. - (This is based on personal experience where my ex drained our account and I didn't get anything. I got an order to get half, and it took a year for me to get that).

Document the heck out of everything. Get a notebook. Times, places, conversations, spending habits, etc. All communication should be done by email when feasible, that way there is a paper trail. Not text, not phone conversations.

Get a safety deposit box in your own name. Anything that holds personal value to you - put it in there.

Don't take any more overtime or extra shifts. That will count against you if you have to pay spousal or child support (if its on a regular basis).

If you have joint credit cards, pay those off now and close them (before she can rack them up). Do NOT sign for any more joint debt.

If you still have a minor child, try to establish custody/visitation through mediation - it is cheaper in the long run. Our custody and divorce trials ran for 6 years. My ex didn't want anything to do with the kids, until I went into medicine and he figured he could get custody and a lot of money in child support. We wasted a ton of money because he was so stupid.

Good luck. It's a tough road, one I wish I didn't have so much experience in, but worth it when you're on the other side.
 
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DrJenner said:
Having been through a divorce with small children in 2005 - and having an abusive ex husband who did everything he could to keep money from me and the kids, and also being a paralegal in family law and child support in a former life before medicine - here is what I learned.
Lawyer up early. A male's rights one would be best. Depending on the state you live in, this is a huge issue believe it or not.

Establish your own bank account now and start splitting finances - have your check direct deposited into your own personal account. Take half of your cash and put it in there. Leave the other half for her. - (This is based on personal experience where my ex drained our account and I didn't get anything. I got an order to get half, and it took a year for me to get that).

Document the heck out of everything. Get a notebook. Times, places, conversations, spending habits, etc. All communication should be done by email when feasible, that way there is a paper trail. Not text, not phone conversations.

Get a safety deposit box in your own name. Anything that holds personal value to you - put it in there.

Don't take any more overtime or extra shifts. That will count against you if you have to pay spousal or child support (if its on a regular basis).

If you have joint credit cards, pay those off now and close them (before she can rack them up). Do NOT sign for any more joint debt.

If you still have a minor child, try to establish custody/visitation through mediation - it is cheaper in the long run. Our custody and divorce trials ran for 6 years. My ex didn't want anything to do with the kids, until I went into medicine and he figured he could get custody and a lot of money in child support. We wasted a ton of money because he was so stupid.

Good luck. It's a tough road, one I wish I didn't have so much experience in, but worth it when you're on the other side.
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Nothing speaks like the voice of experience, even if it is painful. Thank you for sharing.
 
Morgan101 said:
Nothing speaks like the voice of experience, even if it is painful. Thank you for sharing.
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It was quite awful going through it. I was hospitalized once during that time, and having gone through school with 2 little kiddos in the midst of the divorce I don’t recommend it.
But the alternative- being married to an abusive spouse with friends in the Russian mob (I could tell you some stories)- and if we would’ve stayed together for 10 years and I finished my degree while we were together, I would’ve ended up paying him child and spousal support. No thanks!
 
DrJenner said:
It was quite awful going through it. I was hospitalized once during that time, and having gone through school with 2 little kiddos in the midst of the divorce I don’t recommend it.
But the alternative- being married to an abusive spouse with friends in the Russian mob (I could tell you some stories)- and if we would’ve stayed together for 10 years and I finished my degree while we were together, I would’ve ended up paying him child and spousal support. No thanks!
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When filing for social security they ask about any previous marriage that was more than 10 years.

Ben
 
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