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Jokes and Humor
- Thread starter phideaux
- Start date
Help Support Homesteading & Country Living Forum:
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- Jan 10, 2018
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- 487
I hope that SEVERELY BURNED where it will do society the most good! LOL!!
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- Dec 4, 2017
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The Cynical Philosopher
I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they are flashing behind you.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?
I can't understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie, were all single. The only married person was Otis and he stayed drunk.
I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they are flashing behind you.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?
I can't understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie, were all single. The only married person was Otis and he stayed drunk.
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- Nov 26, 2017
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- Joined
- Nov 26, 2017
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Heard this today watching Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. I was watching on Netflix...almost peed myself.
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- Nov 28, 2017
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Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, "How much will a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republican's brain."
The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to try not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans.
A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the Democrat's brain so much more than a Republican's brain"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans' brains a lot lower because they're used."
:confused;
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, "How much will a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republican's brain."
The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to try not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans.
A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the Democrat's brain so much more than a Republican's brain"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans' brains a lot lower because they're used."
:confused;
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- Joined
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Oops. Duplicate post. Why is it I can't edit the post and delete it???
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- Nov 26, 2017
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Two is one, one is none.:green man:
My oldest and his friends would pool their money after Halloween and buy pallets of leftover pumpkins. Mines the 1 in the middle.
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- Nov 28, 2017
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Apparently, I'm not the only one.
Don't wanna drink too much alcohol and need to potty!!
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- Dec 3, 2017
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And in front of you and beside you! They are everywhere! I need one of these bumper stickers.
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A Classic Redux
A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but
especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart
and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I
don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with
amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up
to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched the small numbers above the walls light up
sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last
number and then the numbers began to light in the
reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and
a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,
said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but
especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart
and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I
don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with
amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up
to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched the small numbers above the walls light up
sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last
number and then the numbers began to light in the
reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and
a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,
said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
We're going to need a lot of refrigerant for the wall at the southern border...
HEY! if we use sand we can use some glue and it will be cheap to build!
HEY! if we use sand we can use some glue and it will be cheap to build!
They used to make glue out of horses. We have ten or fifteen million extra illegal aliens around here somewhere.
