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Jokes and Humor
- Thread starter phideaux
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Help Support Homesteading & Country Living Forum:
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Do you want it $9 worth?
https://www.amazon.com/Retirement-Gift，Funny-Aluminum-Reflective-Resistant/dp/B093CB83NK/ref=sr_1_2?crid=3LWYQRIE6N8TL&keywords=sign+warning+retired+person+on+premises&qid=1677129024&sprefix=sign+warning+retired+person+on+premises%2Caps%2C172&sr=8-2
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yup!
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as someone with wet mac and d glacoma in both eyeballs i can testify to the accuracy of this very fine medical depiction 
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This goes along with never trust a skinny chef.
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It is #2. Ties go at the bottom of the neck. #1 is a noose not yet strung up.
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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ' Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Nah, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
’Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
'Because she can still drive!'
A man was telling his neighbor,
'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.'
Moe , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more........
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ' Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Nah, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
’Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
'Because she can still drive!'
A man was telling his neighbor,
'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.'
Moe , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more........
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Hi Downshift, welcome from Alaska.
Newsflash: Man killed by his out of control cock.
Get your mind out of the gutter:
https://www.foxnews.com/world/irish-rooster-violent-past-kills-man-attack-back-leg-court
Get your mind out of the gutter:
https://www.foxnews.com/world/irish-rooster-violent-past-kills-man-attack-back-leg-court
A lot of guys get into trouble because of a randy cock. Grandpa got attacked by his rooster while working under the car. Grandpa hit it in the head with a 2X4, grabbed it by the neck, and threw it into the creek. Three days later it stumbled out of the creek with a new respect for Grandpa.
I cleaned for a couple that had a crabby rooster. He was afraid of my long handle Swiffer duster, so it was always in my hand as I walked to the door!!
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as someone with wet mac and d glacoma in both eyeballs i can testify to the accuracy of this very fine medical depiction
View attachment 104621
i must be a super hero with glocks in my eyeballs. i wonder if i need to start wearing a warning sticker on my forehead--
Having a blast binge-watching: https://m.youtube.com/@BestJustForLaughsGags/videos
It is everything Candid Camera was not.
Here's one that really 'stood out' for me:
Most are less than 10-minutes, which is my limit. (Oh, and no words)
Somewhere behind them is a brilliant creative mind.
It is everything Candid Camera was not.
Here's one that really 'stood out' for me
:Most are less than 10-minutes, which is my limit. (Oh, and no words)
Somewhere behind them is a brilliant creative mind.
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- Dec 8, 2017
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- 10,106
We had to many roaster/cocks on the farm.
The quickest way to get in a stew pot was spar or try to spar someone on the farm..
I do not eat chicken & rice today, because of roaster who tried to rule the farm.
I eat soo much I do not like it, now.
The quickest way to get in a stew pot was spar or try to spar someone on the farm..
I do not eat chicken & rice today, because of roaster who tried to rule the farm.
I eat soo much I do not like it, now.
This weeks Rube Goldberg award winner!!!
I have only one question... Did it work?
I have only one question... Did it work?
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Yep, it worked, but I'd hate to be the tech trying to repair it. In floor radiant heat.
That reminds me of my "spare electronics cable" box. It's always such a joy to try and find the HDMI cable mixed in there with the CAT-5, Coax, USB charging, and multimeter probe cables. Sometimes a string of Christmas lights will sneak in there and those make a real mess - the bulbs snag on everything.
He better hope it never has a failure, then he'll find out he created a nightmare.
I'm so using Wally's line. Brilliant!
