I have read a few posts lately that made me want to create this thread. While my thoughts on marriage (and relationships) are both experiential and biblical in nature, let's keep this thread secular so it can remain in the open forum. I am not reporting to be an expert or claiming to have everything about marriage figured out. I often fall short in some areas. I do however feel like I am part of an incredible marriage that does not seem to suffer from the up and downs, good days and bad days, blow ups and make ups, that many people around me seem to have. My wife and I are either doing something very right, or I won the spousal lottery (most likely both). Of course we did not get here overnight and I made a lot of mistakes a long the way. I am writing this to offer some suggestions as to why and am hoping that some of you will add your advice for a successful marriage as well.
For the last 3-4 years my wife and I have been teaching (I use the term teaching loosely) marriages classes at our church. These are not one and done classes, but spread out over several weeks. Before each class starts up we have several deep and meaningful conversations about OUR marriage; what works, what doesn't, failures, successes, challenges, how we cope with things, how we communicate, how we face the world, how we face negativity, etc., etc. It should come as no surprise that doing so helps us put together a better program but it is interesting how doing so also brings us even closer together. We base much of our presentations and discussions on a program called Love & Respect, just in case you are interested.
We often talk about how some people will renew their vows on certain anniversaries, but shouldn't we be renewing our commitments to one another every day? It's so easy to let the world and our own lives get in the way of our relationships. It's so easy to take someone for granted, even if you don't realize it and they do not complain about it. It's so easy to fall into a routine where affection and romance get set aside for duties & responsibilities. Our kids often tell people (while rolling their eyes) that their Mom and I act like newlyweds; always hugging, kissing, holding hands, tickling each other, etc. They will also tell you that they come second to our marriage. While shocking to some, we often point out that marriage is a book and our children are only a chapter. And someday those children will be married, hopefully for a lot longer than they lived in our home. What better way to teach them about healthy-happy marriages then by demonstrating one to them. And even though our relationship is strong we still need to renew our commitment and love for one another often. Two people who are very much in love can still grow apart, even if ever so slightly. We need to continuously focus on what unites us and fight off anything that divides us. Identifying what divides us take good open minded communication. Don't think you can just intuit what your wife is thinking and feeling, you probably can't (no matter how long you have been together). Sometimes it is hard to even understand here when she is trying to speak plainly.
But you also need to work on you. Not the 'you' your wife's sees, but you on the inside. I believe that a loving & happy marriage comes down to a number of things: you must be willing to give without the expectation of receiving (no matter how hard that is), you need to understand what makes us (men & women) different from each other and how to bridge the gap of communication, you need to build her up and never tear her down. My wife for example is a very affectionate person (both receiving and giving), which became VERY clear when were dating. If I want to satisfy my wife's need for affection I have to be v-e-r-y affectionate towards her. Hugging, kissing, holding hands, romantic gestures, focusing my loving gestures solely on her, etc. all helps to reassure my wife that I love her more than anyone else and am 100% dedicated to her. When she feels that reassurance she showers me with what I need; respect and appreciation. The more she respect me and what I do for our family the more I want to be affectionate and loving I am towards her and the more I want to do for my family. None of this is because I am trying to get her to respect me, that's a glorious side effect. Because if one day she not feeling especially respectful, I am NOT going to stop showering her with affection. Which by it's very nature will probably bring her back around. Human nature pushes us toward the wrong decision time and time again. If my wife is feeling unloved her natural instinct is to pout, keep her distance and/or push me away, but that is not what she really wants or needs. So if I am not as affectionate as she would like me to be, she is far better off being even more respectful (doing things like thanking me for keeping our family safe, telling me how much she appreciates have a strong husband, etc.). This will re-energize my passion for her and I will actually provide her with more affection. I often think of these interactions like a fork in the road: one is selfless and positive, the other is selfish and negative. Why would anyone want to take the selfish negative road? But we do it all the time. We have learned to recognize these forks in the road and are MUCH better at making the choice that will benefit us both in a positive way.
This brings us to the "men only" item for a successful and happy marriage. Knowing when to 'man up'. I am sure you all know by now that men tend to be more logical and analytical (thinking based) while women tend to be more more emotional (feeling based). One is not better than the other, but they do make us very different and effect how we process everything. Leadership is almost always thinking based while love and compassion are almost always feeling based. When we take that wrong fork in the road it usually leads to a battlefield. The place where we got caught up in ourselves and let it erupt into arguments, harsh words, dragging up past mistakes, intentionally hurting feelings, etc. This is where you, as the man, need to step up. Stop lashing out, stop raising your voice, stop shaming, stop guilt tripping, just stop. If you as the man, are supposed to be stronger and more stable, then act like it. Take the high road. Puff out your chest, hold your tongue and just take it without fighting back. Let the emotions calm down and the situation settle, then start to find your common ground again. It amazes how we as men are supposed to be strong, but yet time and time again it is the wife who has to silently acquiesce for the betterment of the marriage. That make her seem a lot stronger from where I stand. As the head of my household it is up to me to keep the peace, to provide, to protect, to shelter and to build up. I would no more allow an intruder to assault my wife than I would verbally attack her myself.
So if you are married perhaps it's time to turn off that TV, get off the internet, put down that book, stop cleaning that gun and spend some more time together. Remind each other why you feel in love and why you are still together. Tell her why she mean so much to you. Then make sure that you show her every single day. Not just by what you say, but by the things you don't say. Not just by the things you do, but by the things you don't do. Love can fade if you let it, but it can also grow and grow if you nurture it. I for one intend to see how amazing our life together can be. We all know our lives are fleeting and I don't want to waste a singe minute of our time together.
For the last 3-4 years my wife and I have been teaching (I use the term teaching loosely) marriages classes at our church. These are not one and done classes, but spread out over several weeks. Before each class starts up we have several deep and meaningful conversations about OUR marriage; what works, what doesn't, failures, successes, challenges, how we cope with things, how we communicate, how we face the world, how we face negativity, etc., etc. It should come as no surprise that doing so helps us put together a better program but it is interesting how doing so also brings us even closer together. We base much of our presentations and discussions on a program called Love & Respect, just in case you are interested.
We often talk about how some people will renew their vows on certain anniversaries, but shouldn't we be renewing our commitments to one another every day? It's so easy to let the world and our own lives get in the way of our relationships. It's so easy to take someone for granted, even if you don't realize it and they do not complain about it. It's so easy to fall into a routine where affection and romance get set aside for duties & responsibilities. Our kids often tell people (while rolling their eyes) that their Mom and I act like newlyweds; always hugging, kissing, holding hands, tickling each other, etc. They will also tell you that they come second to our marriage. While shocking to some, we often point out that marriage is a book and our children are only a chapter. And someday those children will be married, hopefully for a lot longer than they lived in our home. What better way to teach them about healthy-happy marriages then by demonstrating one to them. And even though our relationship is strong we still need to renew our commitment and love for one another often. Two people who are very much in love can still grow apart, even if ever so slightly. We need to continuously focus on what unites us and fight off anything that divides us. Identifying what divides us take good open minded communication. Don't think you can just intuit what your wife is thinking and feeling, you probably can't (no matter how long you have been together). Sometimes it is hard to even understand here when she is trying to speak plainly.
But you also need to work on you. Not the 'you' your wife's sees, but you on the inside. I believe that a loving & happy marriage comes down to a number of things: you must be willing to give without the expectation of receiving (no matter how hard that is), you need to understand what makes us (men & women) different from each other and how to bridge the gap of communication, you need to build her up and never tear her down. My wife for example is a very affectionate person (both receiving and giving), which became VERY clear when were dating. If I want to satisfy my wife's need for affection I have to be v-e-r-y affectionate towards her. Hugging, kissing, holding hands, romantic gestures, focusing my loving gestures solely on her, etc. all helps to reassure my wife that I love her more than anyone else and am 100% dedicated to her. When she feels that reassurance she showers me with what I need; respect and appreciation. The more she respect me and what I do for our family the more I want to be affectionate and loving I am towards her and the more I want to do for my family. None of this is because I am trying to get her to respect me, that's a glorious side effect. Because if one day she not feeling especially respectful, I am NOT going to stop showering her with affection. Which by it's very nature will probably bring her back around. Human nature pushes us toward the wrong decision time and time again. If my wife is feeling unloved her natural instinct is to pout, keep her distance and/or push me away, but that is not what she really wants or needs. So if I am not as affectionate as she would like me to be, she is far better off being even more respectful (doing things like thanking me for keeping our family safe, telling me how much she appreciates have a strong husband, etc.). This will re-energize my passion for her and I will actually provide her with more affection. I often think of these interactions like a fork in the road: one is selfless and positive, the other is selfish and negative. Why would anyone want to take the selfish negative road? But we do it all the time. We have learned to recognize these forks in the road and are MUCH better at making the choice that will benefit us both in a positive way.
This brings us to the "men only" item for a successful and happy marriage. Knowing when to 'man up'. I am sure you all know by now that men tend to be more logical and analytical (thinking based) while women tend to be more more emotional (feeling based). One is not better than the other, but they do make us very different and effect how we process everything. Leadership is almost always thinking based while love and compassion are almost always feeling based. When we take that wrong fork in the road it usually leads to a battlefield. The place where we got caught up in ourselves and let it erupt into arguments, harsh words, dragging up past mistakes, intentionally hurting feelings, etc. This is where you, as the man, need to step up. Stop lashing out, stop raising your voice, stop shaming, stop guilt tripping, just stop. If you as the man, are supposed to be stronger and more stable, then act like it. Take the high road. Puff out your chest, hold your tongue and just take it without fighting back. Let the emotions calm down and the situation settle, then start to find your common ground again. It amazes how we as men are supposed to be strong, but yet time and time again it is the wife who has to silently acquiesce for the betterment of the marriage. That make her seem a lot stronger from where I stand. As the head of my household it is up to me to keep the peace, to provide, to protect, to shelter and to build up. I would no more allow an intruder to assault my wife than I would verbally attack her myself.
So if you are married perhaps it's time to turn off that TV, get off the internet, put down that book, stop cleaning that gun and spend some more time together. Remind each other why you feel in love and why you are still together. Tell her why she mean so much to you. Then make sure that you show her every single day. Not just by what you say, but by the things you don't say. Not just by the things you do, but by the things you don't do. Love can fade if you let it, but it can also grow and grow if you nurture it. I for one intend to see how amazing our life together can be. We all know our lives are fleeting and I don't want to waste a singe minute of our time together.
. And doesn't understand why I'm even madder at him than I was before he apologized.
. No if's and's and but's should ever be in an apology that puts the blame back on the one you've already violated somehow.
