When Your Marriage Reaches “Middle Age”
Has what was once a raging fire, diminished to a dull ember? After 15 to 20 years of working, bill paying, and parenting, any married couple these days should be commended for simply staying together!
But, you and your spouse deserve more than that, but, it can be very hard to keep the fun and excitement going that brought the two of you together, once your marriage reaches “middle age.”
The “middle years” of marriage bring with them their own special share of challenges.
You and your spouse could be looking for revitalization in your jobs, a new home, or even some other new aspirations, of life goals. If you are recent “empty nesters,” there could be many personal as well as physical “makeovers” in the mix — maybe that is because with kids out on their own, you have the money, and the “me time” to spend on yourselves!
With theoretically more time on your hands, and more money to explore new and better versions of yourselves, how then can the two of you expand your horizons together, rather than drift apart, as you and your marriage drift into middle age?
Here are some tips to keep the flames going, or to rekindle that missing spark!
Have Fun!
One of the keys to keeping a middle-aged marriage “fresh” is to just remember to laugh and have fun every once in a while! Once your marriage enters the “silver-age,” many couples find themselves lacking in the fun department at this point in life. I mean, when was the last time you and your spouse really laughed together?
Most likely, sharing fun activities started your whole relationship in the first place! You can go back and do all of those things again that used to make you laugh and enjoy, or even better, you can take up whole new adventures together.
My husband and I are both over 50, and we recently celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary, and you know what? The two of us are having the times of our lives! We go out Karaoke singing two or three times a week, and we are taking classes together in Improv comedy! Both of these are not only great fun, and have brought us closer together, they have introduced us to a whole new group of like-minded “fun-loving older folk,” that we are doing all sorts of great parties with!
Refresh Your Perspective and Ability to Forgive
Sometimes in a long-term relationship, it is easy to get annoyed with your spouse
. After 25 years or so, all of those little things you initially found endearing can really start to get on your nerves. But, when you begin to feel this way, ask yourself this question: “If my husband only had 6 months to live would this really bother me or would I overlook it?” Usually, I’d overlook it, realizing that my husband was not intentionally trying to frustrate me, just over-stressed with life at the moment.
Even if you are currently feeling annoyed,
choose to do something intentionally kind for your spouse, maybe once a day, just to show that you love them. Remember how easy it was to overlook those little annoyances in your relationship when you first fell love, and how you would go out of your way just to grab a kiss, or say “I love you?” Do that again!
Refresh Those Listening Skills
We all have disagreements with our spouse, but in midlife, when stresses increase and hormones decrease, both men and women have lots of changing moods and emotions. About this time couples might notice they’ve fallen into a rut of bad communication habits and resentment and anger may start to emerge.
The two keys to good communication are more important now than ever:
- Listen and share without blame, shame or judgment
- Listen without trying to fix the problem and without interrupting, even if you disagree
When you do respond, instead of dismissing their feelings because you don’t see it that way, try to see the situation from their perspective, not just yours. Perhaps they have misunderstood what you meant. Perhaps something you said or did triggered a wound from their past. Instead of getting defensive, and attacking, a great question to ask in response to something that was said that ticked you off is, “How could I have communicated differently that would have been more helpful to you?” or “what could I do differently next time this issue arises?”
Make a commitment to work on the issues together!
