Females! I don’t understand.

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The Lazy L

The Lazy L

Old Cowpoke
Neighbor
HCL Supporter
Joined
Dec 6, 2017
Messages
6,188
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1868
Before we married we had an understanding. She loves cats. OK. As many OUTSIDE cats she wanted but NO INSIDE cats. During our ENTIRE married bless together she had one or two INSIDE cats much to my displeasure.

The most recent two cats were sisters. They “followed” us home from a morning walk. “Followed” is what she told people. She carried them home in her arms.

Cat sister #1 was put down a year ago. Old age, kidney failure, blind.

Just after Christmas sister #2 met the same fate as #1 for the same reason. Poor cat was nothing but bones.

Here’s the part I don’t understand. Our entire married life she ignored our understanding. Now when her family and friends ask her about how soon she’s getting another cat she tells them that I’m not allowing her to!?!? She has ignored my wishes for over 40 years, why the change now!?!?
 
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The Lazy L said:
Before we married we had an understanding. She loves cats. OK. As many OUTSIDE cats she wanted but NO INSIDE cats. During our ENTIRE married bless together she had one or two INSIDE cats much to my displeasure.

The most recent two cats were sisters. They “followed” us home from a morning walk. “Followed” is what she told people. She carried them home in her arms.
Cat sister #1 was put down a year ago. Old age, kidney failure, blind.

Just after Christmas sister #2 met the same fate as #1 for the same reason. Poor cat was nothing bones.

Here’s the part I don’t understand. Our entire married life she ignored our understanding. Now when her family and friends ask her about how soon she’s getting another cat she tells them that I’m not allowing her to!?!? She has ignored my wishes for over 40 years, why the change now!?!?
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She hasn't changed. She's just waiting for the opportunity to have a couple more follow her home. Give her a few days or weeks and you'll have a couple of new cats to love.
 
I have prayed for you two @The Lazy L Have you tried talking to her? I think it's sad to hear that you feel like she doesn't care about your feelings. I've known both men and women this way so don't like to hear it pinned on either gender. I don't know how long you've been married, but what would you have your marriage look like? Feel like? All I have is please talk to her. Every marriage has compromises. The key is those compromises have to be worth it. 🙏
 
Probably she felt that you accepted a few indoor cats because you had them inside for many years. And now she knows your new answer is no. And after all these years, it needs a new answer. So she's saying it outloud to people to get used to the idea herself, really hoping you'll step in and say, "It's ok, I'll let you bring a new cat in". Looking back, I think I've done something similar. Husband said at 65 he would retire and we'd move to the farm. So everyone knew that. He changed his mind about both things, so when people asked, I'd say that he doesn't want to anymore. Didn't want to retire. Didn't want to move. Sure made me angry. But I had to accept it at the time. Said that if we were where we were, then it would have to be. Nothing I could do about it. Your wife is probably about where I was.
 
LadyLocust said:
I have prayed for you two @The Lazy L Have you tried talking to her? I think it's sad to hear that you feel like she doesn't care about your feelings. I've known both men and women this way so don't like to hear it pinned on either gender. I don't know how long you've been married, but what would you have your marriage look like? Feel like? All I have is please talk to her. Every marriage has compromises. The key is those compromises have to be worth it. 🙏
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I have wondered if this is the place where The Lazy L can vent his frustrations somewhat safely? It is possible that there is something missing in their communication, but I know people who get frustrated in their marriages and relationships and process these frustrations by putting it out there for others to give input. I do know from his previous posts that the wife is somewhat emotionally frail and even the beginning of some conversations can bring tears. What I noticed is the misinformation offered about the cat following them home, when in fact she carried them home. Why not just tell the truth? Was this a way for her to get what she wanted, when in fact she had agreed that they would not have indoor cats?

Relative to this conversation, there are forums where there are sections for women. Is this so women can talk about things that men wouldn't want to talk about? And then could there be a section for men's discussions. The battle of the sexes has probably been around since Adam and Eve.
 
Pearl said:
Is it THAT horrible for her to love and want cats?? Inside?
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There are people who really do not like cats, and The Lazy L might be on that list. I understand that for many people, there is an allergy to them. Here's the other piece of that: he made his request or his opinion known about that before they were married. I'll bet he was very clear about it. But, it is possible that she didn't have any power in her childhood home and had to go with whatever her parents said, and particularly her father. There have been other things relative to that that we have heard about, such as her father coming to their house and coming right in without knocking. When the door began to be locked, her father was indignant. So when The Lazy L said that, she agreed, verbally, because that is what she would have done in her childhood home. But once they were married, she may have realized that the rules or even agreements did not have such a negative impact for her and that maybe she had more ability to get what she wanted, whereas at home, she would have been better off to just agree and be quiet, even if it wasn't what she really wanted. @The Lazy L , am I close in my view of this?
 
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Pearl said:
Is it THAT horrible for her to love and want cats?? Inside?
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It's not horrible for her to want that. But it's kind of like if a man loves watching football on Sunday. A lot of women hate that. It's not horrible if he likes football, but if it's known ahead of time that she hates that he's sitting on the couch drinking beer in front of the TV all day, and he still does it, there's going to be conflict...
 
phideaux said:
Don't delay the inevitable....go tell her she can have replacement cats.
I know,
You know,
And most importantly....she knows

Cats are gonna be replaced.

Jim🤭
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Agree. He should be happy she lets him stay indoors and feeds him.
When I married my wife I told her the cats would have to stay outside because I was allergic to cats.
I was informed: "You married me, you married my cats." :waiting:
...then I found out that after you sneeze 20-million times, you aren't allergic to cats no more.:rolleyes:
 
Pearl said:
I wouldn't marry someone if I had to agree not to have something I love!! My animals are SO important to me, I have to be with someone who loves them too! If I had to choose between agreeing not to have cats in the house or marrying someone..........I would have cats in the house!
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I get that! Did you grow up in a household where you had a voice, were allowed to have an opinion, and were heard? This is not true for everyone, so being able to get your needs or wishes met does not work for everyone. I had a little bit of experience with that when I was growing up. What I wanted never mattered and if I did anything to express a desire, resulted in a negative consequence. I often knew what I wanted, but since it didn't matter, it resulted in me being a very independent person who from a young age, earned my own money and took care of my own wishes and wants which were not unreasonable.
 
Pearl said:
I wouldn't marry someone if I had to agree not to have something I love!! My animals are SO important to me, I have to be with someone who loves them too! If I had to choose between agreeing not to have cats in the house or marrying someone..........I would have cats in the house!
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Well sure. There has to be some give&take.
Think of everything a woman has to put up with that marries a real man.:oops:
"Why is there a transmission in the hall closet?"
Not enough room in the garage with all of the engine blocks. :thumbs:
"Can you move the carburetor parts on the dining room table so we can eat supper?"
But I have them all arranged so I can reassemble it without leaving any parts out. gaah
Wives are saints compared to us.
 
We had old man cat in the house because he would die outside in his last few years. I vacuumed every day. Husband is allergic, and he goes for weekly allergy shots. He liked the cat, too, but suffered along. So old man cat passed, and we have many cats, but none inside now. He still gets his weekly shots.
 
Lazy L: I have been in the same situation but with dogs, not cats. At least at the start I didn't mind. I do like dogs. After 45 years of usually having two or three at a time, I have had just about all the fun I can stand. Nothing you say or do is going to matter. She is going to get another cat, probably several. It has been a sore spot to put it mildly, but it ain't gonna change. You have lived with it this long. I feel your pain and empathize. I really do. I just know it is inevitable.
 
Morgan101 said:
Lazy L: I have been in the same situation but with dogs, not cats. At least at the start I didn't mind. I do like dogs. After 45 years of usually having two or three at a time, I have had just about all the fun I can stand. Nothing you say or do is going to matter. She is going to get another cat, probably several. It has been a sore spot to put it mildly, but it ain't gonna change. You have lived with it this long. I feel your pain and empathize. I really do. I just know it is inevitable.
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I laughed, but it really isn't funny. But it is the truth. It is a shame when one person's wishes always over ride the others.
 
K and I never had such rules or "understandings" when we got married. He knew when we met that I had to have pets including my cats. He was "allergic" to cats when we got married so we got a dog. A few months later we got a cat with the understanding that he takes an over the counter pill daily and I bathe the cat with an allergen shampoo 3x a week. I did my end then I skipped a bath because of work and noticed K had no reaction. He was also not taking the pills as promised so I stopped washing the cat. Turns out he was never allergic. He 'thought' he was.

He recently has tried to put a limit on my cats saying after our indoor babies pass we will only have outdoor cats. I put a stop to that real fast! I will always have 1 or 2 indoor cats. I know the dangers of having outdoor cats in a city or town setting. I went through it as a kid and will not go through it again or put my girls through it. I may have 4 indoor right now but I don't plan to get any new ones until these pass or the RIGHT cat comes along. I have told K repeatedly that I have guidelines for when a new cat is added to our home and he knows what they are. He still thinks I will just see a kitten and bring it home.

If men don't want cats in their marriages then they need to not marry women who love and have cats.
 
@Grimm that last part is true. If she's a cat lady, she's gonna have cats.

I would say it's much like men who love to fish or hunt. If a woman doesn't like him going on fishing or hunting trips, she shouldn't marry him. She doesn't get to just change it.

Sometimes I think men just want to go hunting and fishing to get away from their wives' cats...😉
 
Supervisor42 said:
Well sure. There has to be some give&take.
Think of everything a woman has to put up with that marries a real man.:oops:
"Why is there a transmission in the hall closet?"
Not enough room in the garage with all of the engine blocks. :thumbs:
"Can you move the carburetor parts on the dining room table so we can eat supper?"
But I have them all arranged so I can reassemble it without leaving any parts out. gaah
Wives are saints compared to us.
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Thankful for Hubby's shop, but did have a transmission in the dining room once when we were young, and a motorcycle right inside the front door for two nights (long story)! But it's all about the give and take! Go ahead and spend money to build a shop, benefits both of us. I'm a much happier person with my animals, benefits both of us! Life is too short not to be happy or make someone you love happy!!
 
Morgan101 said:
Lazy L: I have been in the same situation but with dogs, not cats. At least at the start I didn't mind. I do like dogs. After 45 years of usually having two or three at a time, I have had just about all the fun I can stand. Nothing you say or do is going to matter. She is going to get another cat, probably several. It has been a sore spot to put it mildly, but it ain't gonna change. You have lived with it this long. I feel your pain and empathize. I really do. I just know it is inevitable.
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Had a friend whose husband griped about her dogs. Two of the three dogs sat in his recliner with him every night! She had many pictures of him and the dreaded dogs napping on the sofa together, he loved the dogs😉!
 
Weedygarden said:
I get that! Did you grow up in a household where you had a voice, were allowed to have an opinion, and were heard? This is not true for everyone, so being able to get your needs or wishes met does not work for everyone. I had a little bit of experience with that when I was growing up. What I wanted never mattered and if I did anything to express a desire, resulted in a negative consequence. I often knew what I wanted, but since it didn't matter, it resulted in me being a very independent person who from a young age, earned my own money and took care of my own wishes and wants which were not unreasonable.
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I was fortunate to grow up with parents who respected each other! They set a great example! We didn't have a lot of money, but I could not have asked for a better childhood! I got a strong work ethic and the right "tools" for life!!
 
There are degrees. I don't mind having one, even two dogs if they are well behaved. Training, and obedience school are not words in my wife's vocabulary, so the dogs often got mixed messages when they misbehaved. This included not being particularly well house broken. Then I would get blamed for spilling something on the carpet. Really.

We have also had several who were destructive. I can't begin to count how much, furniture, carpeting, doors, even drywall that has needed to be replaced because of frustrated dogs scratching, digging, tearing. Come home from your second job after working a 15 hour day, and face a mess or something destroyed by a dog. I work to have to pay for this? It doesn't sit well. Now put up with it for 45 years, and see how you feel. Maybe the worst part is that I have absolutely no say in the matter. What I want is completely ignored. She will do what she wants, and get as many dogs as she wants. It has been that way my entire married life. My cross to bear. Maybe you can understand why I say "I have had all the fun I can stand."

Sorry, Pearl. I was gone for a while. I'm back now. Off the soap box.
 
Morgan101 said:
There are degrees. I don't mind having one, even two dogs if they are well behaved. Training, and obedience school are not words in my wife's vocabulary, so the dogs often got mixed messages when they misbehaved. This included not being particularly well house broken. Then I would get blamed for spilling something on the carpet. Really.

We have also had several who were destructive. I can't begin to count how much, furniture, carpeting, doors, even drywall that has needed to be replaced because of frustrated dogs scratching, digging, tearing. Come home from your second job after working a 15 hour day, and face a mess or something destroyed by a dog. I work to have to pay for this? It doesn't sit well. Now put up with it for 45 years, and see how you feel. Maybe the worst part is that I have absolutely no say in the matter. What I want is completely ignored. She will do what she wants, and get as many dogs as she wants. It has been that way my entire married life. My cross to bear. Maybe you can understand why I say "I have had all the fun I can stand."

Sorry, Pearl. I was gone for a while. I'm back now. Off the soap box.
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They have to behave!! Several people joke with me, when I say "NO", everyone stops in place - dogs, cats, husband! Things in my house are not for chewing, scratching, peeing on.......
 
The thing is that married couples like different things, and place different things in order of importance. I would not have so much clutter and useless junk and saved boxes if I lived alone, but I don't want to live alone, I want to live with my husband. So I stopped griping about that, unless it's a tripping hazard, then I ask to move it.
 
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