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Jokes and Humor
- Thread starter phideaux
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Help Support Homesteading & Country Living Forum:
- Joined
- Dec 8, 2017
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- 8,024
Jim
Jim
From an older friend of mine: Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
If you can't think of a word, say, I forgot the English word for it. That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot
I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
I'm getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do, it's because I missed my exit. My goal for 2021 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.
Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below freezing outside they closed school? Yeah, me neither.
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
I love being 84, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.
A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.
I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day. Just remember, once you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
It's weird being the same age as old people. When I was a kid I wanted to be older . . this is not what I expected.
Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter.
It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.
Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true? Me: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember. . . . Don't sing!
I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
Coronacoaster: noun; the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you're loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you're crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don't even like.
I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.
You don't realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information
If you can't think of a word, say, I forgot the English word for it. That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot
I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
I'm getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do, it's because I missed my exit. My goal for 2021 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.
Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below freezing outside they closed school? Yeah, me neither.
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
I love being 84, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.
A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.
I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day. Just remember, once you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
It's weird being the same age as old people. When I was a kid I wanted to be older . . this is not what I expected.
Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter.
It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.
Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true? Me: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember. . . . Don't sing!
I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
Coronacoaster: noun; the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you're loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you're crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don't even like.
I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.
You don't realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information
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"If you can't think of a word, say, I forgot the English word for it. That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot"
Wayyyy to late for that, they already know
Wayyyy to late for that, they already know
We play "bobbing for nouns" in my family.... Can't think of the right word? Use a different word. At least we laugh a lot."If you can't think of a word, say, I forgot the English word for it. That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot"
Wayyyy to late for that, they already know
Jim
Jim
Dang next week suppose to be February....
Jim
Jim
Jim
Please Jim, If you are walking without our eye shields over you, do it inside with the drapes closed.
I know how liberating it can feel to you but to others it feels less than liberating and more shaming. Besides I don't want my wife seeing you - she thinks I'm cute and I don't want that to change to disadvantaged.
I know how liberating it can feel to you but to others it feels less than liberating and more shaming. Besides I don't want my wife seeing you - she thinks I'm cute and I don't want that to change to disadvantaged.
And in your new neighborhood. Lol
I must admit....there was a time I went skinny dipping.
Many moons ago.
Jim
Many moons ago.
Jim
Streaking on my dirt bike and skinny dipping
Jim
We streaked the Putt-Putt Mini Golf place back in high school. Got to the pick up car and discovered we had locked it with our clothes inside. Had to streak back going the other way through the Putt-Putt to the origination car. Luckily that one wasn't locked.
Another time we streaked the parking lot where all the high school kids went to go park and make out. About half the cars emptied out and started streaking with us. Guess they figured, "Hey, we're half naked anyway ... why not?"
Kids!
Ah High School days
- Joined
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Y’all are brave! I don’t even go out in a bathing suit 
- Joined
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- Messages
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Just outta curiosity, when y’all streak does the Ray Stevens “streak” song play?
