Yup... Gallagher is still alive and smashin'...!!
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Jokes and Humor
- Thread starter phideaux
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I saw this at Walmart today,I need one that says having a Pepsi withdraw instead of Tess having to poop 
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I saw this at Walmart today,I need one that says having a Pepsi withdraw instead of Tess having to poop :lol:
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab that I took home. I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me."
"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab that I took home. I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me."
"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
Last Will.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and
a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak.
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments
between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices
over in the Marathon Government Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says:
"Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.
The wife replies,
"The ******* has a paper route"...
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and
a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak.
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments
between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices
over in the Marathon Government Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says:
"Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.
The wife replies,
"The ******* has a paper route"...
An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets, escalators and the Engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?"
Satan says, “Why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next!"
God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!!"
Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Engineer on the staff. I’m keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you. ”
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?”
After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets, escalators and the Engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?"
Satan says, “Why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next!"
God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!!"
Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Engineer on the staff. I’m keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you. ”
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?”
I'd like to see 1 of his shows,I've always liked him.Yup... Gallagher is still alive and smashin'...!!
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TED talks: Having fun with email scammers.
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Hysterical!
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