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Jokes and Humor
- Thread starter phideaux
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A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.
Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won.
As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.
The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and waited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1.
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.
In a state of shock, the bookie went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won.
Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance.
Now, thanks to you, I've lost every cent of my savings!'
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
"You are not Catholic are you my son?"
"No, I'm Jewish"
"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing, and last rites"
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.
Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won.
As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.
The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and waited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1.
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.
In a state of shock, the bookie went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won.
Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance.
Now, thanks to you, I've lost every cent of my savings!'
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
"You are not Catholic are you my son?"
"No, I'm Jewish"
"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing, and last rites"
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An elderly man lying on his death bed catches a whiff of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathers up all his strength and hobbles downstairs to the kitchen. Just as he's reaching for a plate of cookies,his wife suddenly whacks him on the hand with a wooden spoon. "STAY OUT OF THOSE!" she yells "they're for the funeral"
I was searching Goodreads to find new books to read, and stumbled onto this author.
The only thing that is mind-boggling and truly amazing is that you think there are 24 letters in the alphabet.
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Nice pool ... assuming your intent is to never get out.
This is an actual photo from my place. It was kinda humorous so I had to make a meme about it.
I was hospitalized last year and the wife forgot to contain Zeus when she came to see me.
OOPS! It was a recliner.......................
The guilty party.
I was hospitalized last year and the wife forgot to contain Zeus when she came to see me.
OOPS! It was a recliner.......................
The guilty party.
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Awwwww - pretty pup. Although, I think it would probably be more appropriate to switch your avatar to the pic below mutilated chair pic. I'm sure that chair deserved it! You just never know what those recliners say when you're not there.
Thanks, he's my best bud. I have shared space with many dogs in the last 40+ years, but I can honestly say I have not been more attached than with this one.
He absolutely hates being separated from me. I only hope my other one can run a close second, he is starting to exhibit the same tendencies. Malinois tend to be velcro dogs.
I had my zero turn mower out doing the yard, I left it idle by the door, when I opened the door he came out and attacked the mower
I guess he thought it was hurting me, lol.All I am saying is we have raised 5 Rottweilers from puppy to adult and all we have lost is a single shoe, part of a banister, and a tire. They have never chewed up anything else that didn't belong to them. I never did get that tire back though.
Sadly today, those are very high standardsThis is a REAL job posting.
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